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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Graham C. who wrote (8922)	3/11/1999 2:25:00 PM
From: High Grader	Respond to of 62549

>> >>> The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man >>>around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. >>> The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a >>>glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more >>>drop of juice out would win the money. >>> Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), >>>but nobody could do it. >>> One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a >>>polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the >>>bet." >>> After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a >>>lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the >>>rind to the little man. >>> But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched >>>his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. >>> As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the >>>little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a >>>weight lifter, or what?" >>> The man replied, "I work for the IRS." >>>--------------------------------------------------------------- >>>A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and >>>informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The >>>son is just a head! >>>But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love >>>and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first >>>drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud >>>of him. >>>Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar >>>patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in >>>disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso >>>pops out! >>>The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, >>>shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another >>>drink!" >>>The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop >>>out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. >>>The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons >>>chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. >>>By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, >>>grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. >>>Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his >>>knees and tearfully thanks God. >>>The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to >>>the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a >>>truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The >>>father moans in grief. >>>The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a >>>head."

To: Graham C. who wrote (8922)	3/11/1999 8:52:00 PM
From: William	Respond to of 62549

Monkey Business A rope over the top of a fence has the same length on each side. It weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined ages of the monkey and its mother are thirty years. One half the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as old as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was as old as its mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was when it was one forth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?