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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 7:30:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A mother takes her 5 year old Little Johnny with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her Johnny looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an understanding smile. The mother quietly reprimands her son. After a minute or two Johnny spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is that wide." At this the lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrased mother severly scolds Johnny. Again after a couple of minutes Johnny states loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existance. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone at which Johnny yells in panic at the top of his voice, "Run for you life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"..

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 7:32:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom why are wedding dresses white" ? The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows the town your bride is pure." Thoughtful the lad goes to his father and asks."Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at the son in surprise. "All domestic appliances are white".

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 7:34:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 7:34:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A woman is in bed with her lover (who also happens to be her husband's best friend). They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 7:37:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on their wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out'." She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission accomplished."

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 7:44:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the Doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50% and finally 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 7:45:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Steve complained to his friend that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" "Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

To: charlie mcgeehan who wrote (1788)	3/20/1999 9:45:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (6) \| Respond to of 2733

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The woman applying for a job in a Florida Lemon Grove seemed way too qualified for the job. Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."