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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1800)	3/21/1999 11:35:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left. None replied Johnny, cos the rest would fly away. Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking. Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married. Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone? No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1800)	3/21/1999 2:53:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A fellow walks into a bar and notices a big jug almost filled with fifty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what was the significance of the jug and its contents. The bartender says, "You can be the owner of the jug and all its contents if YOU put in a fifty dollar bill and then can do three certain things." "What three things?" asks the fellow. "Well first you have to knock out that big 350 pound bouncer over there-----then you have to take that pit bull that's tied up in the corner and take her in the back room and pull out one of her teeth---and finally you have to make mad passionate love to that old, fat, ugly woman sitting at the end of the bar," said the bartender. "Oh, nooooo way, you'd have to be nuts to do any one of those things!" said the fellow. "Just give me a beer!" Well he has ONE then TWO and finally after consuming an even dozen---he goes to pay his tab, and just happens to pull out a---FIFTY DOLLAR BILL! Well by this time he is totally sloshed and he says, "What the hell, I'm going for it!" He's a puny little guy and he knows there's no way he's going to flatten the bouncer, so when the bouncer's back is turned, he picks up a chair and hits the bouncer over the head and the big guy is out like a light. "Well thas' number ONE!" he said smacking his hands together, "Now where's that damn dog?" He grabs the dog by the collar and drags her into the back room. The noise that follows is deafening---there's screaming and howling and the sound of clothes being shredded---it was awful! About a half hour later the little guy emerges with blood dripping down his face, his clothes all torn, and he's just a mess. "Okay, thas' number TWO!" he said,-------"NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD LADY THAT NEEDS HER TOOTH PULLED?"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1800)	3/21/1999 2:55:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Hollywood at War ---------------- Last night, The Bridge Over The River Kwai was Blow Away after someone claiming to be the Demolition Man placed a musical instrument upon it. The nearby hills were Alive with The Sound of Music prior to the Explosion. G.I.Jane escaped serious injury after having just played The Piano. The surrounding area was quickly put Under Siege. Patton decided that Trading Places with Sgt. Bilko was a good idea. Patton had just lost the Battle of The Bulge and wanted to make amends. Bilko was given orders to fly to Texas and save The Alamo. However, it is feared that he is not one of the Survivors after the Sudden Impact of The Crash of Flight 401. Inspectors Clouseau and Colombo are on the scene. A Few Good Men are believed to have been with Bilko on that same Airplane! Meanwhile, back in the land of the Rising Sun, The Boys in Company C (lead by Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid) could clearly see the Enemy Below from their position on Heartbreak Ridge. Down below, the could see their Platoon setting up The Guns of Navarone. After the Fall of Saigon, these Green Berets were anxious to climb Hamburger Hill, deep within Enemy Territory. One of their immediate goals is Saving Private Ryan who was earlier Kidnapped by a Japanese supported terrorists known as the Chinese Connection When the Vatican was contacted to pray for Miracles, their only comment was, "In The Name of The Father...

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1800)	3/21/1999 2:57:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

1-If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go? 2- If fish burgers are made of fish and chicken burgers are made of chicken, why aren't hamburgers made of ham? 3-How is a man like a snowstorm? (a) you don't know when he's coming and how many inches you'll get...

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1800)	3/21/1999 3:03:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

The great Baptist minister and faith healer Oral Roberts dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates St. Peter asks Oral to identify himself. Oral responds "I am Oral Roberts." St. Peter asks "the Oral Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" Oral replys "Yes, St. Peter." "I'm sorry about your death, but I'm certain that Jesus would like to see you right away. He's on the other side of the gates doing some wood restoration. Please follow me," stated St. Peter. Oral followed St. Peter through the gates. Jesus sees his friend Peter and the apparent new arival. He puts down his can of stain and brush and asks "St. Peter, who do we have here?" St. Peter replies "Oral Roberts." Jesus appears excited and asks "The Oral Roberts from Tulsa, Oklahoma?" "Yes, my Savior," Oral responds. "Welcome," states Jesus. "God bless your family, your congregation, and all your other followers. I'm certain they are sadden by your passing, but they know you've come to a better place." "Thank you, my Lord." Oral replies. Again appearing excited Jesus says "I know Dad will want to see you right away. Follow me to the throne room." Oral follows obediently. Oral is awestruck by the magnificant room, and is humbled to be in the presence of God and his Son. Jesus approaches the throne, and God holds out his hand. Jesus kneels and kisses God's hand, and God asks "WHO HAVE YOU BROUGHT TO ME, MY SON?" "Oral Roberts, My Heavenly Father," Jesus replies. God rapidly rises to his feet and asks "THE ORAL ROBERTS FROM TULSA, OKLAHOMA?" "Yes...finally, my Great Great God in heaven." God puts his left arm around Oral's shoulder and states "ORAL, I HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO THIS MOMENT IN TRUELY GREAT ANTICIPATION." God removes his left hand from Oral's shoulders and places it on his own right shoulder and declares "I'VE HAD THIS HORRIBLE PAIN IN THIS SHOULDER FOR OVER FOUR CENTURIES AND I'M GONNA BE HAPPY AS H--- TO GET RID OF IT."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1800)	3/21/1999 3:03:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

One day, Josh decided to take a trip from Montreal (where he lived) to that great city of Boston.. He went to the airport to buy a ticket and found out the cost was $200 one-way. Well Josh only had $100 on him. But he saw a sign saying half-fare for persons under 18. Well, now Josh had just turned 18 three months ago so he lied..a bit. And got a ticket for $100. Well during they flight, he was making small conversation with the passenger seated next to him. And , in the course of their little chat, he mentioned the 18th birthday party his friends had for him. A stewardess happened to over-hear that part of the conversation and reported back to the pilot. The pilot checked his passenger list and noticed that Josh had only paid half-fare. A few minutes later, the stewardess asked Josh if he had $50 with him. Josh, slightly embarrassed, replied, "I only have $10, enough for a bus and a coffee after we arrive in Boston.. Why do you ask?" Stewardess,"I wanted to know if you wanted to buy this used parachute." Josh, "Whatever for?" Stewardess, "You only paid half-fare and you're over 18. We are half-way on our flight and you have to leave now."