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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9076)	3/27/1999 9:45:00 PM
From: Gary H	Respond to of 62549

> > Subject: Morning funnies > > > > A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their > > bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the > two > > of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded > > enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan, "When we go > downstairs > > for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say' fat ass.' The 4 > > year old happily agreed. > > > > As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their > > mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for > > breakfast. > > The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." > > "WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, > > bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then > > turned to the younger son, > > "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4 year old > > blubbered, "but you can bet your fat ass it's not gonna be Cheerios." > **************************************************** > > A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently > all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. > > "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" > > "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. > "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. > > "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. > > "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, > "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" > > "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. > "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." > > > >

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9076)	3/28/1999 1:16:00 AM
From: Jacques Chitte	Respond to of 62549

A ventriloquist is bicycling the backcountry and needs a place to stay. He comes to a farm and decides to try to entertain in return for a night's lodging. He approaches the farmer and says that he can make the animals talk and will do so for a night's stay. The farmer smiles and says "Son, animals can't talk! But you're certainly welcome to try!" So the ventriloquist walks over to the horse and says "Betcha the horse has a story for me." The farmer bellylaughs and says "Horses can't talk! That's a crock!" Our hero pet's the horse's nose and says "Horse, how do you like it here?" With a deep Mr. Ed voice, the horse seems to answer "Oh, it's alright. I have to pull the wagon, but I get all the oats I can eat and a dry place to sleep." The farmer is silenced by this display, but roars with laughter when the guy approaches the pig. "Pigs can't talk - even a city boy oughtta know that!" Undeterred, our hero asks the pig how it's going. With a grunting lisp the pig says "Oh it's grand. I got mud and I got straw - and Farmer's wife gives me really choice scraps!" The farmer is impressed and undecided. One more demonstration is required, and just then the sheep appear at the gate. The ventriloquist goes for the gate when the farmer runs around to his front, grabs his arms and exclaims: "The sheep are filthy liars!"

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9076)	3/28/1999 4:34:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9076)	3/29/1999 10:09:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Anti-Nudity Law Poses Puzzler Thursday March 25 10:57 AM ET dailynews.yahoo.com BRADENTON, Fla. (Reuters) - A county in Florida has barred women from exposing more than 75 percent of their breasts in public, and everyone from showing more than two-thirds of their buttocks. Now sheriff's deputies in Manatee County are wondering how they will calculate compliance. ''I don't think we'll be tape-measuring,'' sheriff's spokesman Dave Bristow told Reuters Wednesday. The Manatee County Commission passed the measure in a 4-3 vote Tuesday. After it takes effect on January 1, violators would face $500 fines and 60 days in jail. Bristow said deputies would meet with state and county attorneys to determine how to interpret and enforce the law. He said they might seek a volunteer for a test arrest to see if the law holds up in court. Otherwise, deputies will focus on flagrant violators. ''It would have to be well beyond what the ordinance said, like naked,'' Bristow said. Supporters of the measure said it would promote a higher community standard in the county, on Florida's Gulf coast south of Tampa Bay. Adult nightclub owners said it was a thinly veiled attempt to put them out of business. The ordinance allows exceptions for locker rooms, theatrical performances, nursing mothers and other situations in which nudity ''is not a guise or pretense utilized to exploit nudity for profit or commercial gain.''