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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/27/1999 10:46:00 PM
From: Karin	Respond to of 2733

An attorney was sitting in his office one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make incredible sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.'' The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?'' Karin

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 2:12:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 2:13:00 AM
From: Hart	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32. The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up. The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 2:16:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's this for?" "This is for your headache," he says. She says, "But I don't have a headache." He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 2:17:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

A wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married." "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?" "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 2:18:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 2:21:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, making out. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 2:54:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

================= Light Bulb Jokes: ================= How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? -None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit. How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? -Two. one to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis I mean ladder. How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb? -Never mind, we'll drink in the dark. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? -None, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs. How many dyslexics does it take to change a lihgtblub? - How many Arabs does it take to screw in a light bulb? -Four. One to screw it in, three to hold the hostages. How many Italians does it take to screw in the light bulb? -Three. One to screw it in, two to shoot the witnesses How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb? -Depends how high the ceiling is! How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -One-and-a-half. ~~~~~~~~~~ well, i never said they were GOOD light bulb jokes..//HART

To: Karin who wrote (1851)	3/28/1999 3:00:00 AM
From: Hart	Read Replies (4) \| Respond to of 2733

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church By Hank Vorjes VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene." But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.