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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (9082)	3/28/1999 8:04:00 PM
From: Chip Anderson	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62562

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN.... * Your potted plants stay alive... * Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. * You keep more food than beer in the fridge. * 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. * You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. * You carry an umbrella. * You watch the Weather Channel. * Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up. * You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. * Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up' * You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. * Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. * You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. * Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. * You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds. * Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. * You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. * Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. * You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. * A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. * You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. * Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese diet pepsi & Ho-ho's * 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'. ========================================== Me: <<BIG SIGH>> Chip coolhistory.com "Now updated daily!"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (9082)	3/29/1999 2:54:00 PM
From: Elmer Flugum	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62562

Ever deal with computer operators?......... Subject: NEW PHONE SYSTEM A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the local Mental Health Institute.... Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line one more minute and we will trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have BI-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss press 9.... If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.