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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: d e conway who wrote (9144)	3/31/1999 2:16:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62549

Two male lawyers have been stranded for quite some time on a deserted island. At one point, one of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb the top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming. He's up there for only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears him say "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe it's true!" He climbs down from the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blond woman floating face up headed towards the island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blond woman, face up & unconscious. The two lawyers go over to where she is and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time...do you think we could screw her?" The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"

To: d e conway who wrote (9144)	3/31/1999 2:18:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62549

Three American businessmen were on a trip to Saudi Arabia when they stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls. They went in and were getting really "friendly" with the harem-girls when the Sheikh returned and caught them in the act. He had them tied up and told them that they would each die in a manner befitting their professions. "What is your profession?" He asked the first guy. "I'm a policeman", he replied. "His penis...Shoot it off!" the sheikh shrieked. "You...What is your profession?" He then asked the second American. "I'm a fireman.", he replied. "His penis...Burn it off!" he bellowed. The third guy simply stood there smiling. "Why are you smiling?...Never mind. What is your profession?", he asked. He gingerly replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman".

To: d e conway who wrote (9144)	3/31/1999 2:32:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62549

COMPUTERS IN MOVIES: THE STANDARD CLICHE LIST 1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 3. All monitors display inch-high letters. 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. 7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress") 8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. 9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. 10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. 11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. 12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. 13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others) 14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second. 15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. 16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger") 17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. 18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. 19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled. 20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP. 22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")