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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Neenny who wrote (1898)	4/1/1999 2:56:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A man goes to the doctor and he finds out that he is very ill and only has a few weeks to live. He can't believe it and starts asking the doctor, "What can I do?" The Doctor says that unfortunately it is too late and he should concentrate on getting his affairs in order. "There must be something!" the man says. "What about radiation, Chemotherapy .... I'm a tough guy!" The doctor again says that there is nothing they can do for him and he should concentrate on the time he has left. The man, however, is beside himself and will not give up. "Doc, please. What about experimental treatments? I'm not leaving until you give me something!" At this point the doctor finally says, "OK, if I were you, I'd take my wife up to the wine country and go to one of those spas they have for a mud bath." Now the guy really can't believe it. "A mud bath?" he says. "If radiation won't work, chemo won't work, what is a mud bath supposed to accomplish?" "Well, replies the Doctor, "It will get you used to dirt."

To: Neenny who wrote (1898)	4/1/1999 3:08:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM * One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago * One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York * One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston * One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. * Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. * Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy * One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle * One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male * One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male * One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female * Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia * Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

To: Neenny who wrote (1898)	4/1/1999 3:25:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Dear Ann Landers, I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatown and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madamm. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?