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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (9221)	4/6/1999 9:19:00 PM
From: Stephanie M	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place it in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you," He nearly Jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then he clicked his light back on and began looking for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shinned his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep, " the parrot confessed, then squawked, " I'm just trying to warn you " The burglar relaxed. " Warn me, huh? Who are you?" "Moses " the bird replied. "Moses? " the burglar laughed. " What kind of stupid person would name a parrot Moses? " The bird promptly answered "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiler "Jesus."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (9221)	4/6/1999 9:28:00 PM
From: Stephanie M	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Airlines humor Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory. > >If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. >(Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again) > >Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous. > >It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here. > >The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat. > >Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky. > >It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible. > >The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. > >Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' >It's one after which you can use the airplane another time. > >The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival. > >Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. > >You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi. > >Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day. > >A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them. > >Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down? > >Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened. > >Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. > >Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease. > >There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. > >The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain. > >Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline. > >It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large >fortune. > >A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle. > >Remember, you're always a student in an airplane. > >Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed. > >Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your >takeoffs. > >You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. > >There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots! > >Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw! > >---- >