After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him
into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
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Ben Franklin was having trouble with his kite, and Mrs Ben came out to offer some advice. "You need more tail."
"That's what I said this morning, and you told me to go fly a kite."
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Your proctologist called. They think they've found your head.
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I
go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before
I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him
and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I
screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's
butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ...and she's always sound
asleep!"
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The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was
empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for
years. Now, it's my turn."
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A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in
the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a
gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a
cigar once and I didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to
clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No,
thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but
didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a
golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd
like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't
like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me
introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
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Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of
alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes
home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same
pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely
naked, just wearing the new shoes.
Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down
yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? "Cause it's looking
at my new shoes!!!!!"
Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat."
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Q: What do most sheep die of in Wyoming?
A: Broken necks, from trying to turn their heads to kiss 'em while they're screwing 'em.....
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I'm sure you know the advantage of having a woman as president.
No wars, but every 28 days we have REALLY intense negotiation |
