To: Ilaine who wrote (21887 ) 4/15/1999 5:20:00 PM From: Gauguin Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 71178
>>>You have MJ, and Stumpy, and Fui, and the other cats, the stair sitters and the merrimac cats, and the rhododendrons, and the asparagus, and Dash, and your techie. Rubber pants. Blackberries and vines. And us.<<< I couldn't agree more. My circumstances are, in fact, near perfect. IMO, the circumstances you describe have been worse. It is fatigue, and simple medical depression, that does not let the mind absorb these things as it should. It doesn't sense them. I think that might be ending. When people say it's all in the attitude, IMO they are completely right. I know a great deal about it. What a contrast it makes; how happy it makes living. It's really the key to Everything. Fortunately I'm not in continual pain, which I think could make it impossible to create a good attitude. Perhaps my greatest sympathy goes to people who are in pain. I cannot see a way around the effects it has on your attention. I'm a big believer in the condition of the mind. The medical condition, not the mental, in this case. In one condition, you can grow almost anything out of it. You can defend yourself against events, illness, and worry. You can laugh and be happy in the midst of most anything. I know this, because I've been there. In another condition, none of those things can happen. They won't. They are impossible. Because the chemicals in the brain that create and absorb those events do not exist. In sufficient quantity. It won't matter what you want to do, or what happens. Even if those things and wants are mature and positive. Everything you have has been stolen from you. None of it "Matters". It will not impress . Not wife, not friends, not lives, not flowers. There is no screen in your eyes and emotions on which these are drawn. I'm not blurring metaphor; I believe these things are chemically controlled and enabled in the brain. And can be literally absent. Not psychology, chemistry. When the mind returns to health, these gains, these positive feelings and perceptions and changes, are almost automatic. They begin to appear as sensations . And as abilities. Things almost like, "forgotten", being automatically remembered. Colored in. I look forward to my wife returning home. I worry when she leaves for work. I go outside and look at the flowers, and think holy shit, whose stuff is this! I begin to plan. To think what to do, and how to do it. With no second of thought that I can't do it. I think of making her happy; of making her smile, because it will feel good for her. I drink lots of water; I stretch. I call friends. I spring clean stuff I notice. I look and see opportunities to increase the capital and efficiency of my quarters and situation. Basically, I re-grow. And I SEE what is here. Something as simple as Stumpy coming to see what I'm doing in the yard. I can SEE it now. He's my little friend. And an idiot. My decade went in darkness, not in loss of fortunes or love. I may have a chance to be happy now, regardless of what happens.