The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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Bill Clinton and his wife were on a plane as Bill Clinton throws a $1 bill
out of the window.
His wife asked him what he did that for.
He said "to make one person happy!"
Then Bill's wife throws a $10 bill out the plane window.
"Why d'cha do that?"
"To make one person very happy" she responds
A little annoyed Clinton throws 10 $10bills out the window and says "Well
I made 10 people very happy there, huh!?"
His wife throws a $100 out the window and giggles.
"And what was that for?"
"To make one person very, very happy" she says.
The pilot was getting very annoyed at them, and takes Bill Clinton by the
ankles and throws him out of the window.
"WY'D'YA DO THAT!!!?" she asks very upset.
"To make EVERYONE happy"
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Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
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Back in 1995, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot and Bob Dole held a press conference so the public can get to know the candidates. Well into it, one of the reporters in the back jumps in and asks loud enough to cut through the others , "What we really want to know is -- What kind of
underwear do you guys all wear?"
Bill Clinton says in a casual southern drawl, "Ha, ha, I wear the most fashionable underwear, boxers!"
Ross Perot responds in his mousey nasal Texas whine, "I wear what's simplest and easiest -- briefs. Made in America because if I can save just one American job that's what's important to me..."
Bob Dole scratches his head and says, "Humm, depends."
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A defense attorney who was cross-examining a pathologist asked, "Since you didn't listen for a heartbeat and you didn't check for breathing, how were you sure the man was really dead when you signed the death certificate?"
"Well, let me put it this way," said the pathologist. "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
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A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that he needed to file her taxes. The accountant said, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He got her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asked, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replied, "I'm a whore."The accountant balked and said, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman said, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman stated, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asked, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year!"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture ."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher;
she's dead."
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A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man said, "No, the month is up today!"
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A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.
"Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?" "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls vere the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a
dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife'."
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said the old Jew, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."
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