Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: treetopflier who wrote (2003)	4/23/1999 12:54:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

To: treetopflier who wrote (2003)	4/23/1999 12:55:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Being Political Correct Political correctness strikes again. Political correctness is defined as having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. * He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. * He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. * He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. * He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. * He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression. * He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. * His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.

To: treetopflier who wrote (2003)	4/23/1999 12:56:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Gaelic blessing.... May those who love us, love us, And those who don't love us, May God turn their hearts, And if he doesn't turn their hearts, May he turn their ankles So we'll know them by their limping.

To: treetopflier who wrote (2003)	4/23/1999 1:03:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Some of the submissions: Read this one carefully: * As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems) * What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. * How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? * E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. * Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people. * This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. * Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. * My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. * Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job." * Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." * How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." * "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." * A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!" * We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." * One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" * I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used firetruck for the employees to man. * Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice-president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. * Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager. She recently had received control over another business line as well, which gave her a sense of power and grandeur. In the very first meeting with her she told the group "Stick with me!" I am building an empire at this company, and I am going to need little people like you to be Kings and Queens!" * I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications company "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

To: treetopflier who wrote (2003)	4/23/1999 11:02:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

These should bring a smile !!! The following are the top winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine". While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter ... Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia --------------------------------------------------------- It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE !!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again ... Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York --------------------------------------------------------- One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???" --------------------------------------------------------- A LITTLE BOY AND HIS TEACHER: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."