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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (9397)	4/26/1999 11:31:00 AM
From: Carol Putnam	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

DEEP THOUGHTS: 1) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 2) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 3) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? 4) Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 5) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 6) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 7) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use? Perhaps toothpicks? 8) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? 9) How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? 10) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? 11) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 12) No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. 13) If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 14) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 15) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 16) Think "honk" if you're telepathic. 17) Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 18) Whatever happened to preparations A through G? 19) If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? 20) I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." 21) Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food? 22) Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? 23) Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? 24) Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? 25) If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (9397)	4/26/1999 2:22:00 PM
From: Elmer Flugum	Respond to of 62550

When I took some clients out to dinner last week, I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; and, he too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I then looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?". "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analysis, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask." "No problem." he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity once again overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but..uh..why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon.