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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Biggie Smalls who wrote (9534)	5/7/1999 5:04:00 PM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? =========================================

To: Biggie Smalls who wrote (9534)	5/7/1999 5:05:00 PM
From: broken_cookie	Respond to of 62549

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. You total $*&. Stupid %&#$!.

To: Biggie Smalls who wrote (9534)	5/7/1999 5:05:00 PM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Respond to of 62549

WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage can now finally be revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone tells them, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intelligently handle this situation. Obviously full of family inbreeding, here's the family lineage: Jack was the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, who was the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt Incorporated. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Now, against her parents wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, who was a High School drop-out. This so upset Jack and Noe Schitt that it ended their fifteen year marriage. A few years later, Noe Schitt re-married a man named Mr. Sherlock. Now because her kids were still living with her she felt it important to also maintain their last name, so she became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt, Deep Schitt's twin, married Loda Schitt. They produced a nervous son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were always inseparable as kids, so they married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens" wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were named Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, who was the prodigal son, left home to travel the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So there you have it, and now you can say that in fact, you do know Jack Schitt.