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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Arthur Radley who wrote (9579)	5/12/1999 1:56:00 PM
From: Carole Olkowski	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

> Subject: Fwd: "The Cynic's Guide To Life" > > 1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where > you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. > > 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and > sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. > > 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not > walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk > beside me, either. Just leave me alone. > > 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just > take another road. That's why the highway > department made so many of them. > > 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. > Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. > > 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes > the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and > gag himself. > > 7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're > going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the > time to do it. > > 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard > near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, > you can hold the receiver up to it and run your > fingernails across it until he hangs up. > > 9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of > the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty- > snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever- > the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is". > > 10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when > your car windows are down. > > 11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to > make a real mess on the neighbor's car! > > 12. When you find yourself getting irritated with > someone, try to remember that all men are brothers > and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. > > 13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent > of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting > the relatives stay over. > > 14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows > a lot. > > 15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder > to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery. > > 16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So > stay on your land. > > 17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you > don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait > to throw up.