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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (2130)	5/14/1999 9:17:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (5) \| Respond to of 2733

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, “That's no problem. How many do you want?” The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces. The pharmacist said “That won't do you any good.” The elderly gentleman said “That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

To: Barney who wrote (2130)	5/17/1999 9:47:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to The Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT? Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain." "DONE," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE." Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?"

To: Barney who wrote (2130)	5/17/1999 9:58:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Man test The "Inter-Gender Harmony" series continues with this test for the guys, or the ladies can use it to evaluate the man in their life... So grab a pen and paper and keep track. A Test for Men 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results C. Five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously C. You don't miss Sports Center 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience B. The second best part of the experience C. $100 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. No concern of yours B. Not a problem, she can join your gym C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A Moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetizer is to entree B. Primer is to paint C. A long line is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy B. Is uptight and a waste of time C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. ========================= Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times: Check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man! If you answered "B" more than 7 times: Check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times: "YOU DA MAN!"

To: Barney who wrote (2130)	5/17/1999 10:00:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions. The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE..ya know...Young,Urban, Professional." The second guys says "I'm a DINK..ya know, Double Income No Kids." They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied..."I'm a WIFE...ya know, Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

To: Barney who wrote (2130)	5/17/1999 10:07:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Words of Wisdom Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. Who gossips to you will gossip of you. When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. The trouble with work is - it's so daily. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it. Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

To: Barney who wrote (2130)	5/17/1999 10:09:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, As you know, I just turned 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband, You know that I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

To: Barney who wrote (2130)	5/17/1999 10:12:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 2733

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest,brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."