Many Jokes -Keeping Reading
A baby was born and was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?"
He asked. "Yes,I am", the doctor replied.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born, " he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!!!!!!!"
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A woman goes into a shoe store in a short skirt and starts to try on different pairs of shoes with the help of a clerk. It is immediately obvious to the clerk, as he is kneeling in front of her, that she is not wearing any underwear. As he continues to help the woman, he becomes
increasingly excited and uncomfortable. Finally, unable to control himself any longer, he lifts the front of her skirt and tells her, "Lady, if you were to fill that thing with ice cream, I'd eat it all out!"
The woman becomes furious, slaps the clerk on the face, and runs out. She immediately drives home and tells her husband about the incident and asks him, "What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing", comes the reply.
"Why not?", she asks
"Three reasons", he says,
You have enough pairs of goddamn shoes already, and you don't need to be
wasting my money;
You should wearing some goddamn underwear when you leave the house;
There's no way in hell that I'm going to mess around with someone who can eat
THAT MUCH ice cream!
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Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
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Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
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A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. When asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she replied that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises heal.
She replied "Oh doctor, I can't, my dog's breath is just murder.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. BONG!
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"
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