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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: The Philosopher who wrote (9686)	5/14/1999 1:31:00 PM
From: Aggie	Respond to of 62558

( OT _ No Joke)WOODSMAN'S... Ahh..... I remember it well, nothing like it for the Maine woods. The key ingredients were coal tar oil, citronella oil, and bay. Alas, the coal tar oil (which incidentally used to be used for exczema) was banned by the FDA and is no longer available. This nasty stuff was what lent the gunk its nasty dark brown color and pungent odor. Aggie

To: The Philosopher who wrote (9686)	5/15/1999 8:22:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

At the risk of repeating: Eleven Reasons E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off. 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-Mail Envy. 7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: 1. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

To: The Philosopher who wrote (9686)	5/15/1999 8:40:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

Email Facts Of Life 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on “just in case it's true.” Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that “we checked it out and it's legit,” does not actually make it true. 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: urbanlegends.tqn.com And I quote: “The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have.” That's “none” as in “zero.” Not even your friend's cousin. 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: bl.net Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. 4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy; irritate coworkers; gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb. 5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter? 6. There is no “Good Times” virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virus. Try: norton.com And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. 7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell. 8. If you're using Outlook, I.E., or Netscape to write email, turn off the “HTML encoding.” Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. 9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the “>” that begins each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times— we've probably already seen it. 10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a “little boy” either. >>

To: The Philosopher who wrote (9686)	5/15/1999 8:51:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

A turkey was chatting with a bull: “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.” “Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

To: The Philosopher who wrote (9686)	5/15/1999 9:00:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

Redneck Computer Lingo “Hard drive”—Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. “Keyboard” ---- Place to hang your truck keys. “Window” ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns. “Floppy” ------ When you run out of Polygrip. “Modem” ------- How you got rid of your dandelions. “ROM” --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. “Byte” -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase. “Reboot” ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. “Network” ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line. “Mouse” ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. “LAN” -------- To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yer truck.” “Cursor” ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. “bit” --------- A wager as in, “I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.” “digital control”—What Yer fingers do on the TV remote. “packet” ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: The Philosopher who wrote (9686)	5/15/1999 9:25:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong: 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 12. You daring lousy guy. 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! 14. I have been scared s**tless too much lately. 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? 19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure 20. You will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat. 20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination. 21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.