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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 5:40:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 5:51:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A unethical attorney dies and is waiting to get into heaven. He is standing behind a few other people. Ludwig von Beethoven is first. St.Peter says: "Who are you?" Beethoven says: "Eh ?" St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says : "Who are you ?" Beethoven says: "Ludwig von Beethoven" St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers?" Beethoven says: "No." St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it." Beethoven says: "Give me a choir of angels." St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth. St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig." Beethoven goes in. The next man steps forward. St.Peter says: "Who are you ?" Shakespeare says: "William Shakespeare" St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ? Shakespeare says: "No." St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it." Shakespeare says: "Give me a pen and paper." St.Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet. St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, William." Finally it is the attorney's turn. St.Peter says: "Who are you ?" The attorney says: "I'm an attorney. I just did my job, equal rights for everyone I worked for, no matter if they were guilty or innocent, I tried to get them off. I did whatever any client paid me to do." St.Peter says: "Can you support your claim with documents? The attorney says: "No." St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it, just like Beethoven and Shakespeare." The attorney says: "Beethoven? Shakespeare? Who are they ?" St.Peter says: "Wonderful! Wait right over there."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 5:55:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 5:58:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A guy was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day the man came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I want a warrant for that dirty bastard lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied the man, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so took the car I stole."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:04:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

Diogenes went to look for an ethical lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked after two years. "Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:09:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his computer. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. FOX: "What are you working on?" RABBIT: "My novel." FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?" RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes." RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me." They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his computer and resumes typing. Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit. WOLF: "What's that you're writing?" RABBIT: "I'm doing a novel on how rabbits eat wolves." WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?" RABBIT: "I think I can sell it. Do you want to see why?" The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and as the wolf's eyes become accustomed to the light, he sees a huge lion belching and picking his teeth. MORAL: It doesn't matter what subject you choose for your novel. It doesn't matter who tries to stop you. What matters is whose side you are on.

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:11:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:17:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

Historian Anders Henriksson, a five year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present. ************************ During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams. In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy. The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat "historical." World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia. Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:19:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor. Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge. When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:24:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62548

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and had a sex change operation." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?" asks one. "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "When they cut my salary in half."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:26:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out one of his best cigars, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the cigar out the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. Then the American stands up and throws the lawyer out.

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:44:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A vampire attorney is having trouble getting clients so he decides to turn to burglary. He scouts around town for a good victim, and finally choses a particular house. That night he breaks in through a basement window and is trying to find his way in the dark when he hears what seems to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the attorney snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a parrot. Relieved, the attorney turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic him, Jesus!"

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 6:49:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting he's cheating on her) questions his whereabouts... Wife: "Where were you??" Man: "I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden" Wife: "Sure you were. There's no such place!" Man: "There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even golden urinals!" Wife: "Oh, I BELIEVE you 100%" So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar. She's surprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides to call up and check this out for herself. Wife: "Is this the Golden Bar?" Bartender: "Yes it is.." Wife: "Do you have huge golden doors?" Bartender: "Yes we do..." Wife: "Do you have golden floors?" Bartender: "We have them, too..." Wife: "What about golden urinals?" Bartender (speaking away from phone): "Hey Max, I think we have a lead on the guy that peed in your saxaphone."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 7:01:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

Q: If you see a vampire lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 7:03:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9735)	5/16/1999 7:08:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A vammpire lawyer and a web site designer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed. Even things I had not paid for. The insurance company paid for everything." "That is quite a coincidence," said the artist, "I am here because my apartment and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "How did you start a flood?"