Another Long List Of Jokes #2
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart
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Chinese Wisdom
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion'.
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget".
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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman
sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You
set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above
the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little
Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
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Priests should really be allowed to marry..Until then, they'll never know what hell is really like.
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A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed. 'What's up doc?' he asked nervously.
'Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up,' admitted his surgeon. 'I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis.'
'What!' gasped the patient. 'You mean I'll never experience another erection?' 'Oh, I'm sure you will, reassured the doctor, 'only it'll be somebody else's.'
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An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."
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The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?
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Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who's nailing down Siding has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it away or nailing it in.
The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks,
"Hey, Why are you throwing away half your nails?" The first blonde explains, "If I pull out a nail and its pointed towards me, I throw it away because I know it's defective. If it's pointed
Toward the house, I nail it in."
"You moron!" the second blonde yells, "the nails pointed toward youAren't defective.
They're for the other side of the house!"
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A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."
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As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers lane, she sighed romantically:
"Its lovely out here tonight just listen to the crickets."
"Those aren't crickets," her date replied. "They're zippers."
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An out-of-towner was driving through a small college town in southern Georgia and passed a restaurant. He wanted to make a Uwe-turn, but saw a police officer just up ahead.
He pulls up to an old professor walking on the street and asks,
"Excuse me sir, but can you make a uwe-turn?"The old professor looks at the fella and says, "Well, hell yeah! I can even make her eyes bug out!"
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Q: What's the problem with women?
A: They have all the damn pussy!
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Q: What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times.
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Q: Why is sperm shaped like a tadpole?
A: Because a frog would be harder to swallow.
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Q: What do you say to a girl with no tits?
A:
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Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Farfromthinkin
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Q: Why did the proctologist use two fingers?
A: In case the patient wanted a second opinion.
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Q: What do you say when you guide your lover's tongue toward your clitoris?
A: "This bud's for you!"
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Q: Have you heard that Bill Clinton has now started smoking a pipe ?
A: He thinks cigars are for pussies.
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Q: How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It depends on what kind of insurance the lightbulb has.
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Q: Ever wonder how long cocks should be sucked?
A: Same as short ones.
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Q: How can you tell if you're having a super orgasm?
A: Your husband wakes up.
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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well" said the vet "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
The vet answers, . . . "No, because he's heavy."
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The old professor and his wife, after many, many years, finally get to go on a second honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed, waiting for the old goat.
He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits... and waits... and waits 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
She asks, "Honey, what are you doing?" and giggles. "I'm WAY too old to worry about getting pregnant anymore!" He looks up at her and says,
"I know, honey, but you know how the dampness effects my arthritis."
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A redneck walks into a doctors office asking for a prescription for birth control pilsl for his daughter. The doctor replies, "How old is your daughter?"
"She's 11," the redneck replies. The doctor is surprised, "Is she sexually active at 11?"
"Naw, she justs lays there like her mother...."
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A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear
her at all. So she took him to the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right
out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water.
And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
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"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
Does this condom make me look fat?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
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When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
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Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again." |
