A Long List of Jokes #1
Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park.
Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."
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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out,
"Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"
Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his
van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims,
"Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!"
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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he
says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
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A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him
why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,
To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
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A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never cheat on me again!"
"I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said,
"Can't you see I'm tapering off!"
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A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
She replies , "Hell no!"
The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."
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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
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"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
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"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
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Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
"Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.
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A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat? Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?" The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try." Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!" The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?" The teacher replies..."Not quite right either, Peter... anybody else
want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?" Johnny replied,
"Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"
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Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day,
"If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
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Bumper Sticker Suggestions
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
Wife and dog missing... reward for dog
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"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?"
"Aw, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl."
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Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
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What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
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A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army
knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
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A blonde guy was walking down the street when he suddenly came across aloomp in front of him. "What on earth is this?"
He put his finger in it and tasted it.
G...osh he exclaimed. "It is dog shit. Thank God I didn't step on it"
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A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a
drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much... take me shopping!"
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This guy in a bar keeps eying the two good-looking blondes in the corner, keeps saluting them with his glass, keeps sending over drinks, etc.
After a while, one comes over to him and asks, "Would you like to smell my friend's pussy?"
"Wow! I sure would," he answers.
"OK. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" as she breathes into his face!
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The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their
neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
"Well sugar," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."
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It's a sunny day in the Ozarks, and Maw walk in the house and says, "Jeb, get yerself out there and fix that there outhouse."
"All right, Maw." He replies. He walks out to the outhouse, looks it over and hollers toward the
house, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with this here outhouse, Maw!."
She hollers back, "Put your head down the hole!" He puts his head in the hole and yells, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
He goes to lift his head out and says, "OWW!! OWW!! Help Maw! My beard's stuck!
She says, "It's aggravatin', ain't it?"
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A Jewish girl come home one day and announces, "Ma, I got married."
"Oy, that's great.", her mother says.
"But Ma, he's an Arab.", the girl continues.
Her mother replies, "Oy, that's terrible!"
"But Ma", the girl goes on, "He's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives!"
Six months later, the girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in the ass. Day and night, that's all he wants to do. When we got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now it's the size of a silver dollar!"
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
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Printed on the back of a Hells Angel's T-shirt:
"If you can read this my bitch fell off"
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It's the yearly party at the temple and they're having the
drawing for the door prizes. Goldstein wins third prize and
gets a color TV. Rosenberg wins second prize, goes up to
collect, and it's a plate of cookies.
He comes back to the table and says, "Goldstein, I don't
understand it. You won third prize, you got a color TV. I won
second prize, I got a god-damned plate of cookies."
Goldstein says, "Rosenberg, "You don't understand. The
plate of cookies was cooked by the Rabbi's wife."
Rosenberg says, "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!"
Goldstein says, "Shh...that's first prize."
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An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman
and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."
And the woman replied, "Yes, go on tell me."
So the husband told her. "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
So the wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."
The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
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Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my
future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some
red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one
ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
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Q. How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "fuck"?A. Shout "Bingo!"
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Confucius say: "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
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To my knowledge no one has created a cooperation pill to go along with Viagra.
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Stan been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know what was wrong.
"It's my wife," he replied. "She's fooling around with other men.
"Well... I can understand your mood then." said the boss. "I wouldn't like that one damn bit either."
"No, no." said the bookkeeper.
"It's not that. I just can't sleep with two other people in our small bed."
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A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"
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A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "next year, in biology class."
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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
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Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
Sent 5/16/99
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Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says,
"Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!"
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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist
and 50 Catholic ones."
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The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you
make it last an hour?"
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A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.
When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard upside her head. "What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"
The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking back to see who it is" |
