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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Edwarda who wrote (10111)	6/3/1999 8:19:00 AM
From: Carole Olkowski	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Guide to Womenspeak You want. = You want. We need. = I want. It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want. You'll pay for this later We need to talk. = I need to complain. Sure...go ahead. = I don't want you to. I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you moron. You're...so manly. = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! = And I'm not overreacting!I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper ... Hang the picture there. = No, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The same old thing. = Nothing. Nothing. = Everything. Everything. = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an asshole. I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you

To: Edwarda who wrote (10111)	6/3/1999 3:14:00 PM
From: Elmer Flugum	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Lessons? DEEP THOUGHTS: Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.