Q: Why do only 30% of women get into heaven? A: If there were more, it would be hell.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates. "Thank goodness!!! He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he's passing. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Better To Be An Old Fart Than A Young Shithead
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled,"Who turned on the fucking lights!?"
"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights.
You slept through the 'fucking lights'."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A worried voice on the doctor's telephone declared, "A mouse ran up my wife's honeypot!" The doctor replied, "I'll be over in ten minutes. In the meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between her legs."
When the doctor arrived at the house, he was welcomed by the couple's young son , who showed him upstairs to the bedroom. There on the bed sat a frantic woman, legs spread wide, while her husband waved an open can of tuna over the opening.
The doctor cried, "Idiot, I said to use cheese! "The man retorted, "I know that, you fool... but I've got to get the cat out first!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Georgia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Why did God create women? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"
The father yelled back, "Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.
Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever
are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."
The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work...."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness with a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang member????
Someone who comes to your door and tells *you* to fuck off!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1.Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2.The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3.Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4.Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5.Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6.Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7.Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8.Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9.Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10.Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11.Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12.Introduction to Parking
13.Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14.Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15.Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16.Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17.Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18.Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19.PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20.Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21.Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22.Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23.Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24.Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25.TV Remotes: For Men Only
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.
Sent 7/2/99
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers
." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How the fuck will that help?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KNOCK, KNOCK... WHO'S THERE? A POLISH BURGLAR.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly,.
..you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said,
"I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.
When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, "What's wrong honey? Didn't you come? Do you want more?"
His wife said "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!" |
