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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: The Philosopher who wrote (10539)	6/30/1999 12:31:00 PM
From: Feathered Propeller	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

CH: Didn't you mean Alexander Pope?? My guess is Ambrose Bierce would like you to think that...but it is probably not actually Pope's quote. You make the call. alcyone.com (under humorist def.) Regards, JCC

To: The Philosopher who wrote (10539)	7/3/1999 10:24:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Bumper Stickers Actually Spotted  Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.  Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.  Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window  Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.  If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a “drop-dead gorgeous blonde”)  Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! (men saying this are known to die a violent death)  Fight Crime: Shoot Back!  If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)  Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.  A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.  Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.  Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.  Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.  GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.  If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??  Impotence: Nature's way of saying “No hard feelings”  I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.  Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?  Axe me about Ebonics  Boldly going nowhere  Cat: The other white meat  CAUTION - Driver legally blonde  Don't be sexist - broads hate that!  Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway  He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you  If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets  If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now  WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition  What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull

To: The Philosopher who wrote (10539)	7/3/1999 10:46:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

MEN FIGHT BACK ____________ How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened by the time she brings it. ____________ Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. ____________ Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. ____________ How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the stove! ____________ Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. ____________ Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're Gonna want to shoot it. ____________ If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling At the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. ____________ All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. ____________ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ____________ I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her. ____________ What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. ____________ Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. ____________ Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake. ____________ Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, And suffering. ____________ The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What's on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” ____________ In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. ____________ Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ____________ What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. ____________ Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. ____________ Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. ____________ A man inserted an ‘ad' in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” ____________ The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ____________ First guy (proudly): “My wife's an angel!” Second guy: “You're lucky, mine's still alive.” ____________ How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. ____________ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ____________ Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real Happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.” ____________ A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don't know son, I'm still paying.

To: The Philosopher who wrote (10539)	7/3/1999 11:35:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Subject: This Year's Darwin Award... A little background, for those of you who don't know, is that each year a ‘Darwin Award' is given to an individual who has done the gene pool the biggest favor by killing themselves in an extraordinary and stupid way. Last year the award was given to a man crushed to death by a coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. Now...our story titled: ‘MYSTERY OWNER OF A JET-PROPELLED CHEVY IMPALA' The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. Wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but it was a car, make and model unidentifiable at the scene. A lab figured out the story. It seems that the driver had somehow gotten a hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra push when taking off from short airfields and is nothing less than a solid fuel rocket. He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the jet device. The police calculated that the driver of the car accomplished several things: Hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 4 miles from the crash site. Asphalt was scorched and melted there. Reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver-soon to be pilot-most likely experienced G-Forces reserved for dog-fighting F-14 pilots under full afterburners. Basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event. Remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20sec.) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing all four tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. Became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 ft. and leaving a black crater 3 ft. deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. The cops even extended their search looking for a personalized plate with “Wile E. Coyote” on it. I'll bet the words “Bad Idea” were among the first-and last-to pass through this guy's mind right after firing the JATO unit.

To: The Philosopher who wrote (10539)	7/5/1999 11:14:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, “Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!” With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table. On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, “YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!” With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table. The couple were amazed and told the bartender, ”He did that 20 years ago when we were here...with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?” The bartender apologetically replied, “Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be.”