Sex is like a joke. Some get it, and some don't.
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Why do men like women in leather? Because they smell like new cars.
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How do you fix a broken marriage? Melt down your wedding ring and make it into a bullet.
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One day a fag was jogging through the park. There was a wino passed out on the park bench, so the jogger decided, "Ah, what the hell", went over, dropped the wino's pants, gave it to him up the ass, then took $10.00 put it in the wino's pocket.
When the wino awoke he reached in his pocket found the $10.00 and went straight to the liquor store, and asked the clerk for his most expensive bottle of wine.
Next day the fag was jogging through park and again the same old wino is all passed out on the park bench. So the fag decides to drop the wino's pants, does him up the ass again, then puts another $10.00 in the wino's pocket.
The wino wakes up, finds the $10.00. heads straight to the liquor store, and tells the clerk, "I want your best bottle of wine."
Come the 3rd day, the faggot is jogging through the park sees the same old wino passed out. So he drops the wino's pants and gives it to him up the ass, goes to get $10.00 out of his pocket, and finds out he only has a $20.00. So he gives the wino the $20.00.
The wino wakes up, finds the $20.00, goes right to the liquor store, and tells the clerk that he wants the cheapest bottle of wine.
The clerk says, "Wait a minute. Two days in a row you come in here with $10.00, and want my most expensive bottle of wine. Today, you have $20.00 and want the cheapest. So what gives?"
The wino replies to the clerk, "Yeah, well, that expensive stuff is making my ass sore."
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During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week," the Frenchman said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd, "the Brit exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied the Frenchman.
"I was talking about the flavor!"
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Q: What do you call a guy from Arkansas who doesn't fuck his sister? A: An only child.
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A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really
into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"
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17 Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk ?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."
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Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Rachel Hunter are flying to a supermodels conference in Paris, when suddenly the Captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost all power to the engines of the plane and are going to make an emergency crash landing - please assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models look at each other and start preparing for the worst. Claudia quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up.
Bewildered, Naomi and Rachel ask: "What in hell are you doing Claudia, fixing up your make-up - we are about to f*cking crash!"
Claudia responds: "Well, I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for, and save first the people who have the best looking faces - this is why I am putting on my make-up."
Immediately Rachel Hunter rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Rachel, have you lost your f*cking senses?? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see - we are about to die!"
Rachel responds: "I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, therescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - this is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating for a moment, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her female "love triangle."
Freaking out, Claudia and Rachel yell: "Naomi - are your f*cking crazy?? Why are you exposing your snatch for everyone to see??"
Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES, PLEASE !
I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!!"
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A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said is not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.
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Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and shout "I've
seen the light!"
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"Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a
sense of security while screwing others."
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Fuck, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off." |
