Bumper Stickers:
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
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After school one day Tod, an eager second grader, came up to his mother and asked,
"Mom, what's a pussy?"
Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied,
"Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat."
That didn't compute with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued,
"Mom, what about a bitch? What is a bitch?"
She pursued her puritanical theme by answering,
"Tod, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?"
"From the fourth graders on the playground, Mom," he replied.
"I think you should play with your second grade friends and stay away from those fourth graders," the mother stated.
Later, Tod found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked,
"Dad, what's a pussy?"
The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the
workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month. Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said,
"Tod, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!
"WOW," said Tod as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense
about what he heard on the playground that day.
"Dad, then what's a bitch" Tod asked?
"Tod, a bitch is, a bitch is everything outside that circle!"
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If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
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My wife and I were watching some TV show the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if
she would ever do that.
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ..." the boss went on."After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you
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A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.
The farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter." "Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman. "Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business." Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me."
Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room.
In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, busts through the eggs and has his way with the farmer's daughter. They take the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall.
The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. Cracking open the first egg, of course, produces nothing.
Cracking open the second egg, likewise. The farmer pokes his head out the window and yells, "OK, which one of you roosters is using a rubber?" |
