Q. What do you have if you put 50 government employees and 50 lesbians in the same room?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
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The day care teacher held up a picture of a horse and asked, "What's this?"
"A horsy." one child answered.
"And this?" the teacher asks, showing a picture of a pig.
"A piggy." replied another youngster.
"And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a
beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now children." she
coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he
hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard !!!
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A girl scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader,
"There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, several of her charges had more-or-less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening.
"Well, if you.... err..... must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."
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After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes
with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by
the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate
it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a
damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in
Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I
thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
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Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie.
The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk for a penis.
After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how do you like your new parts?"
Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear..."
"Arm good...long, strong..."
"But Tarzan not crazy about new weenie..
all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan's ass."
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How do you know when you're staying in an Alabama hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in
my sink" and the person at the desk says "go ahead."
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There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently had given birth who was willing to help him out -- for a price. The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money
she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
The man paused in his sucking for a.moment and looked up at her. "Yeah," he said finally. Said, "Can I have a cookie?"
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Three Ladies, all with boyfriends named 'Leroy', were at a bar when one of the ladies says, "I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy and her Leroy. Why don't we all name our Leroys after a soft drink?"
The other two ladies agree, and the first lady jumps in and says, "OK then, let me go first...I name my Leroy, 7-UP!"
The other two ladies jump in and ask her, "Why 7-UP?"
"Because my Leroy has 7 inches and its always UP!"
All three ladies hoot and holler and slap each other a high-five, when the second lady says, "OK, I'm next, and I name my Leroy, Mountain Dew!"
The other two ladies ask, "Why Mountain Dew?"
"Because my Leroy can Mount and Dew me anytime!"
All three ladies proceed to hoot and holler and slap each other another high-five. The third lady then stands back and starts thinking and says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name mine Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts, "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
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Warning-------Goaner
A farmer was having a lot of trouble with his plow... one of the wheels was loose. But he had to get the planting done so he went out into the fields. He was only about halfway through when the wheel broke off completely and rolled on down the hill.
The farmer broke into song: "You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Wheel."
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A guy this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... He said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"
He said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..." |
