A preacher told his friend that he and his wife were about to celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary. The friend said that was terrific, and further replied that for their 25th anniversary he had taken his own wife to France.
The preacher said, "That's great. Now what are you going to do for your 50th anniversary?"
The friend replied, "I'm going back to get her."
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Two friends had agreed to meet at a resort for a weekend of fishing. The first arrived on Friday evening, as scheduled, but his fishing buddy never showed-up.
Finally about lunch-time the next day, the tardy fisherman arrived beaten and bandaged.
When asked what the hell had happened, the wounded man replied,
"The last thing I remember is stopping at the Highway Rest Stop and spotting a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat."
I stuck my head through the window and asked,
"How far is The Olde Log Inn?"
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman was finally able to have a baby. All her relatives come to visit to meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother said, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother once again said,
"Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother said, "When the baby cries."
So the agitated relatives asked, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother guiltily admitted, "Because I forgot where I put it."
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Salesman to boy answering the door......."Hi, is your mother in?"
"Yes, said the boy, she's out in the back yard screwing the goat." I don't believe it," said the salesman.The boy says: "come and see for yourself
So the salesman looked in the back yard, and enough, there was the goat screwing the mother
The salesman said to the boy, "Isn't she afraid she'll get pregnant
The boy says..N.-a-a-a-a-a-a-"
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There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
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A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.
"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?"
"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"
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The Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the Jewish family who employed him treated him. "You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they always
buy me lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits!I get off all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah."
"That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what's Rosh Hashanah?"
"Oh, that's when they blow the shofar."
"Wow!" said the amazed friend. "Those are SOME benefits!"
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The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is fucking him in the ass.
Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhilation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhilation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started."
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The fifty-year old son was complaining to his 75 year old father: "Dad, lately I've been having a problem with impotence. Tell me, do you have the same problem? Is it something that runs in our family?"
"Well," his father replied, "I don't know about your mother's side of the family, but I've never had reason to complain. Why, when I was a lad, I would work up a good hard-on, hang a bucket of water from it, and walk the full length of a football field. But nowadays my knees give in when I'm half way."
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Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind !"
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Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? ...its for dickheads.
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If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking... If it tastes like trout, get the f*ck out!
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Three women were talking about their love lives...
Verniece said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
Rotunda said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
Mrs Perfesser said, "Mine is like an old Chevy.
It needs a hand start, and I have to jump on while it's still going."
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Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters, he was asked, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?"
Ray answered, "It was easy. I just never argue with anyone."
The reporter shot back, "That's crazy. It had to be something else -- diet, meditation, or *something*. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 175 years!"
The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
Then he shrugged. "Hmmm. Maybe you're right."
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A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor so when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!" Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his master and says in awhiney voice,
"Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much and that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible. Also I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk." The neighbor looks puzzled.
"Oh", explains the owner, "he thought I said 'Kvetch!'
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The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what
did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
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Q: What do they call duct tape in Missouri? A: Chrome
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Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Labrador.
Q: Do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
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Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv:
"My wife's two hours late. She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto
accident, or she's shopping. OY! I hope she's not shopping!"
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A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with
us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
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Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer:
"Name?" Tarzan: "Me, Tarzan."
Interviewer: "Married?"
Tarzan: "Wife, Jane."
Interviewer: "Children?"
Tarzan: "Son, boy."
Interviewer: "Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?"
Tarzan: "Tarzan, King of the Jungle."
Interviewer : "Jane's whole name?"
Tarzan: "Jane's hole name Pussy."
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There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves....
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There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves....
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Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
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An American in Paris goes to the Left Bank for some fun and games. And finding
an attractive Lady of the Evening, he asks her,
"How about American Express?"
She answers,
"I'll do it as fast as I can, Monsieur."
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After 29 yrs of marriage,...a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage.
She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, ....put them on, ...walked up to her husband and said,..."Do you want some of this?"
He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"
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Fox Hunts are still held in Howard County. Once, by mistake, a female dog in heat was placed in the pack.
An observer asked, "How's it going ?"
An official replied, "Well, I can't tell for sure yet. But I think the fox is running about fifth."
Sent 7/24/99
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This black woman goes into the doctor and says that she would like to make an
appointment for a pap smear as soon as possible.
The doctor says "OK, I think that I can manage that, can you take off your
pants and go and stand in that corner of the room, turn around with your back
facing me and bend over."
She does this and then the doctor says,
"OK, now go to the other corner of the room, and bend over."
The woman complies, bending over and parting her cheeks.
The doctor then says, "OK, the next corner please", she does with no questions
asked.
The doctor says "OK, the last corner", and the woman moves to the last corner,
bends over, and parts her cheeks.
The doctor then says "Great, put your pants back on and I'll book you in for a
pap smear next week".
"Next Week !" she replies, "then what was all that about ?"
The doctor says,
"Oh that, I'm ordering a black and pink couch and I wanted to know which
corner it would look best in"
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Mr. and Mrs. Strong come before the judge for their divorce hearing.
The judge says, "What are the grounds?"
Mrs. Strong says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed
and then forced me to sing the National Anthem while he pissed all over
me."
The judge says, "My God, that's horrible."
She says, "Yeah. He KNOWS how much I hate that fucking song."
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A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right" |
