While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "I don't believe you. You are just fooling
around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
"Honest," says Bernie, "Its true!"
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show
me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants
to be a doctor!"
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I'm not saying she's ugly...But she turned 3 cannibals into vegetarians
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Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed
in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you
off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
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Chad wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his
constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he
cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you
expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off
gradually."
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Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave
oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."
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"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money." She replied.
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This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it, so when they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?"
The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.
"What? Five times?" asks the eager girl.
"No", he replied. "Pick a finger".
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There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway.
In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy .. isn't that Dick Green?"
"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"
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Two gay guys live together. The first guy said, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll blow you."
The second guy asked, "What if I can't find you?"
The first replied, "I'll be behind the piano."
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Did you hear about the guy driving cross country, who made the mistake of "picking up" a hitchhiker, a stunningly beautiful blonde ?
A few miles on the road, and she started to "come on " to him. Needless to say , he pulled over, on the side of the desolate, deserted road, and let her "perform" oral sex on him. Once he was naked, she pulled out a gun. robbed him, taking his car and clothes. She took his belt, and
bound his wrists to his ankles.
The man struggled, after she left, and got onto his feet, and "hopped" back up to the road. A short time later a trucker came by and stopped.
"What happened to you ??", the trucker said.
The man explained his plight !
The trucker, unzipping his fly, said, "This just ain't been your day, has it ??"
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A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
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"Hey, whatever happened to your friend Pedro?"
"He got this crazy idea in his head that he's gonna
make a new kind of car."
"How was he going to do that?"
"Well, he took a motor from a Chevy, tires from a Ford,
seats from a Caddy, hubcaps from a Dodge.... you get
the idea."
"So how did it turn out? What did he end up with?"
"Ten years, but with good behavior, he'll be out in six!"
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Q: Who are the world's biggest optimists?
A: Jews... they cut some off before they know how big it's gonna be!
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Sam came home one day to see his wife Sadie in tears.
"My darlink vhat is de matter ?"
"Oy, Sam" Sadie wept, "Doctor Cohen says I have Tuberculosis !"
"Vhat ! A big healthy woman like you, Tuberculosis ? Ridiculous." said
Sam. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this straight."
Sam called. "Doctor, my wife Sadie, says you say she has Tuberculosis ? What !!" Sam began laughing.
"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease ? " asked Sadie.
"Sadie, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'Tuberculosis'. He said ' too big a tocis'!."
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Q. What's black & white and tells the pope to FUCK OFF? A. A nun that's just won the lottery.
Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?" A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.
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rnie and Rich were bending elbows at their favorite watering hole.
Rich said, "I can't understand it. I've done nothing wrong, but my wife has cut me down to having sex only once a week."
"Awwwww. Don't feel so bad, buddy." replied Ernie as he took a big swig.
"I know two guys she's cut-off completely." |
