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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (11276)	8/29/1999 9:11:00 PM
From: c.horn	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine---"la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class,and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (11276)	8/31/1999 11:42:00 PM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Respond to of 62558

A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to live. "Well, I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd screw anything that moved." he answered. "What would you do?" "I'd stand perfectly still." ~~~ THOUGHTS ON GOLF... In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. **************** A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - - a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce - a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and - a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?". The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains!?!". ~~~ DID YOU KNOW? The perfect age is when children are too old to cry at night and too young to borrow the car. Neurotics build air castles. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent. A pun is a form of humor that causes everyone to groan and is meant to punish the hearers. School days are the best days of your life...provided your children are old enough to go.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (11276)	8/31/1999 11:45:00 PM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Respond to of 62558

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (11276)	8/31/1999 11:46:00 PM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip. "Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?" "Well, the child was born without a penis." the doctor said "Oh my goodness!" said the gossip "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (11276)	8/31/1999 11:54:00 PM
From: Jay	Respond to of 62558

AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.