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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (11327)	9/3/1999 10:26:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

From a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children: 1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. 5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room. 6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. 8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways. 10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh”, it is already too late. 12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke—lots of it. 13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies. 14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes. 16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft house almost 4 inches deep. 17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old. 18. Duplos will not. 19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence. 20. Super Glue is forever. 21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 22. So can Tarzan. 23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water. 24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. 26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is. 29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 30. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response. 32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 33. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. (....unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (11327)	9/3/1999 10:38:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62558

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.  Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,they're sober. --William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.  Anonymous No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as drink. --G.K. Chesterton Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. --Anonymous If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Anonymous I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,we go to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... -- Brian O'Rourke You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline-it helps if you have some kind of a football team,or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson