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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (11777)	9/30/1999 1:59:00 PM
From: John Carragher	Respond to of 62551

Hi, This is a perfect way to a Friday. >> > A woman desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. >> > >> > The personnel manager looks over her resume' and tells her that he >> > has nothing worthy of her experience. >> > >> > The woman answers that she really needs work and will take anything. >> > >> > The personnel manager hems and haws and finally says he has a low-skill >> > job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line, and nothing else. >> > >> > The woman happily accepts. >> > >> > He takes her down to the line, explains her duties, and tells here to >> > start at 8:00 a.m. the next day. >> > >> > The next day at 8:45 a.m. there's a knock at the personnel manager's >> > door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager starts ranting about the new >> > hire. >> > >> > He screams that the assembly line is badly backed up. The personnel >> > manager suggests that the supervisor shows him the problem. >> > >> > They go to the assembly line, and sure enough, Elmos are backed up >> > from here to kingdom come. The new hire is at the end of the line. She >> > has an entire roll of the bright fuzzy fabric used to make the Elmos and >> > she has a big bag of marbles. They both watch curiously as she cuts a >> > little piece of fabric, takes 2 marbles, and starts sewing them between >> > Elmo's legs. >> > >> > The Personnel Manager is killing himself laughing, and finally pulls >> > himself together. He walks over to the new hire and says, "I'm sorry. >> > I guess you misunderstood my instructions yesterday. What you need >> > to do is give Elmo two test tickles". > >

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (11777)	9/30/1999 3:47:00 PM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

NHL-McPhee suspended for one month, fined $20,000 NEW YORK, Sept 30 (Reuters) - Washington Capitals general manager George McPhee has been suspended for one month, without pay, and fined $20,000 by the NHL stemming from a punch-up last Saturday with Chicago Blackhawks head coach Lorne Molleken. Under the terms of the suspension, McPhee has been barred from attending any NHL games or practices, and may not conduct business with any member of the Capitals' staff or with members of other NHL clubs. In addition, Washington head coach Ron Wilson has been fined $5,000 and Chicago owner Bill Wirtz $3,000 for inappropriate comments made to the media following the incident. The incident occurred after last Saturday's penalty-filled exhibition game, won 3-1 by the Capitals, which included five fights. McPhee confronted Molleken after the game outside the Chicago dressing room. McPhee grabbed Molleken, shook him and landed a punch, giving the coach a black eye, according to Chicago defenseman Brad Brown. McPhee's face was cut and one arm of his suit was torn off when he was surrounded and punched by Blackhawks players. An investigation into the incident was made by NHL vice-president of security Dennis Cunningham. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman conducted a hearing on Wednesday with McPhee and Capitals' president Richard Patrick. "In any incident such as this one, there are always varying accounts of what transpired," Bettman said in a statement on Thursday. "In this case, however, at least two things are clear. "First, Mr. McPhee made a deliberate decision to proceed to the Chicago Blackhawks' dressing room area immediately following the conclusion of the game with the intention of confronting coach Molleken. Second, after a heated verbal exchange, Mr. McPhee punched coach Molleken." Bettman said both the decision to confront Molleken and the physical contact that resulted "were clearly improper." "No one, especially an NHL club executive or general manager is free, even in the emotion of the moment, to engage in conduct that is clearly inappropriate. Actions, such as those engaged in here by Mr. McPhee, will not be tolerated in the NHL." McPhee will be eligible to return to duty on November 1. REUTERS * end of story *

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (11777)	10/1/1999 10:11:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62551

With Halloween just around the corner - There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a** and go as a candied apple!"