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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Tomato who wrote (11823)	10/3/1999 8:59:00 AM
From: Len	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. ------------------------------------------------------- WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. ------------------------------------------------------- WHAT WAS PLAN B ??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. ------------------------------------------------------- SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." ------------------------------------------------------- THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. ------------------------------------------------------- DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY?? In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. ------------------------------------------------------- DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" ------------------------------------------------------- OUCH, THAT SMARTS!! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. ------------------------------------------------------- ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!" ------------------------------------------------------- NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

To: Tomato who wrote (11823)	10/3/1999 8:09:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62552

No Re-Runs, PM--Just Jokes!!!!!!!!!! This black dude gets home and he's strutting around the house all big and bad. His wife says, "Whachu struttin' around fer like you is someone?" The black dude says, "The doctor say I is impotent, and if you is impotent, you gots to act impotent!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?" The Sarge replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor." "For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "this is no time to be superstitious?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One morning, a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before, they had played a game called "Who's Who's," in which each of the men had put their "equipment" through the hole and the women had tried to guess their identity. "Gee, that sounds like fun," said the mailman. "Sure wish I'd been there." "You should have been," the housewife informed him. "Your name came up three times." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."