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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (11891)	10/8/1999 10:39:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62552

Quotes to ponder > > > On going to war over religion: "You're basically > killing each other to > > see who's got the better imaginary friend." > > - Rich Jeni > > > > "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can > fake whole > > relationships." > > - Jimmy Shubert > > > > "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a > Vietnamese guy and an > > African-American guy. I took a picture and sent it > to Benetton. You never > > know." > > - Franck Dubosc > > > > "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my > arms." > > - Gary Valentine > > > > On the difference between men and women:) "On the > one hand, we'll never > > experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can > open all our own jars." > > - Jeff Green > > > > "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people > don't blame everything on > > me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't > blame everything on Satan.'" > > - John Wing > > > > "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate > men everywhere? 'Hold my > > purse'." > > - Francois Morency > > > > "The Web brings people together because no matter > what kind of a twisted > > sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got > millions of pals out there. > > Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that > are on fire' and the > > computer will say, 'Specify type of goat." > > - Rich Jeni > > > > "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." > > - Tim Steeves > > > > "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row > of an airplane: Either > > you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet > people who do." > > - Rich Jeni > > > > "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no > matter what she's reading." > > -Emo Philips > > > > "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't > really wash the windshield, > > do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." > > - Ken Scott > > > > "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks > or where he lives, but he > > never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is." > > - Lenny Clarke > > > > "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung > by a bee --- the > > natural enemy of a tightrope walker." > > - Emo Philips > > > > "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' > on it. I said, 'Thyroid > > problem?'" > > - Emo Philips > > > > "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can > fake that, you're in." > > - Rich Jeni > > > > "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a > sport for black men. > > Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black > pimps." > > - Ren Hicks > > > > "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what > an attractive scrotum!'" > > - Jeff Green > > > > "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the > mentally ill live in > > poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 > per cent who are > > apparently doing quite well for themselves." > > - Emo Philips > > > > "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm > about to be devoured by a > > Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my > foot." > > - Kevin James > > > > "Capital punishment turns the state into a > murderer. But imprisonment > > turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." > > - Emo Philips > > > > "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a > son-of-a-bitch." > > - Rich Jeni

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (11891)	10/10/1999 9:34:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62552

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening? : A candlelit football stadium. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing. Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" "No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "Come to get laundry."