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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Mephisto who wrote (11967)	10/13/1999 8:47:00 PM
From: Len	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

SEINFELD-ISMS 1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? 4. Why is the word abbreviation so long? 5. Is it possible to be totally partial? 6. What's another word for thesaurus? 7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? 8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? 9. When companies ship styrofoam (sp?), what do they pack it in? 10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? 18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? 19. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? 23. Is there another word for synonym? 24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? 25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? 26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 29. Why do they report power outtages on TV?

To: Mephisto who wrote (11967)	10/13/1999 10:00:00 PM
From: Thomas Payne	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Laws of Golf LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three). LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

To: Mephisto who wrote (11967)	10/14/1999 4:48:00 PM
From: John Carragher	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A catholic priest and nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next tee he missed again, "Shit, I missed" "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing" ... The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, and the usual reply, "Shit, I missed" Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that" At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed" Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lightning which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the sky opens up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed"