Hi, Mr and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages.
I'm Alan Greenspan. No, no relation sorry
to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, First
LadyHillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.
So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-
something acres as I recall. That's 2.2 million, and
with the customary 20 percent down---that's $440,000--
leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000.
Now let's have a look at your financial statements.
Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the
United States, of course, and your salary is- oh, dear
-- $200,000 a year. We always recommend buying a house
that costs no more than two and a half times your
annual salary. That means you should be looking for
something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick ranch on
a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood. And
I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or
so. What will you do then?
Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I bet
that will be some kind of moneymaker.
Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators
are paid $130,000 a year-assuming, of course, you're
elected-so even with the president's pension you're
still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a
nice center hall colonial where the schools aren't
so good.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house
since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I
see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire
national health care system? I see.
It flopped, in other words.
But I see you had several business ventures back in
Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development
Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty?
Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had
gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you
could probably get your money back.
Don't get upset. It was just a little realtor humor.
A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of
your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could get
your money back.
This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask
because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay.
Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.
Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes,
Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in
Little Rock.
But-oh!--those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That
means you're $4 million in the hole. How do you expect
to pay that off?
Yes, I see, you're hoping people will donate to a
special fund? So basically you're relying on the
charity of strangers.
You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford
has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a
year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants
to go to medical school? Ouch!
And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000
fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting
your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not
lying on your loan application?
Good point. It would look a lot better if you were
lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should know about?
You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first
lady is pretty much in the clear indictment-wise. What
does that mean?
You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or
obstruction of justice rap. But you're not totally
sure ?
That means there's a remote possibility-note that I
say "remote"-that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76
million dollar mortgage while making 12 cents an hour
stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make
a go of a library in Little Rock.
Let's review the situation. One of you is now
unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have
these whopping debts that you're hoping someone is going
to come along and pay. You have a financial history that
can only be described as "checkered", plus a bunch of
serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems.
Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.
What ? You have a friend who will put up $1.5 million
and personally guarantee your loan ?
Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of
homeowners! You've been approved for your mortgage!
Isn't that what happened when you applied for your
mortgage? Don't all mortgage companies operate that
way? Maybe you just got the wrong one.
*copied from an e-mail/don't know the author/sorry if repeat
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