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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Silver_Bullet who wrote (12724)	12/3/1999 9:32:00 PM
From: E	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62562

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar (I think this is an old one.) December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

To: Silver_Bullet who wrote (12724)	12/5/1999 8:58:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62562

A few more jokes Q: What do Japanese men do when they have erections? A: Vote. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Steve, not the brightest guy in the world, went duck hunting with his friend Randy. A flock of ducks flew over head and Randy shot at them. One fell down on the beach, dead. Steve walked over and looked at it. "Hey, Randy," he said, "that was a waste of ammunition to shoot that duck. The fall alone would have killed it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A beautiful but aging woman goes into a bar filled with photos of famous boxers. A man sits down next to her and says, "Hey, this is supposed to be a bar for boxing fans." "Are you kidding? I'm the biggest boxing fan in the world." "You are?" says the man, happy to find a woman who shares his interests. "Why, I'm such a big boxing fan," she continues, that I have a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and a tattoo of Evander Holyfeld on the other. Wanna see them?" "Sure," says the man, downing his scotch. The woman hikes up her skirt, spreads her legs, and grabs the man's head and shoves it down there. "Can you see Iron Mike? Can you see Evander?" she asks. The man comes up for air and say, "Yeah, I saw them both, but you didn't say you had Don King in the middle." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y , so we can fuck." Sent 12/3/99 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening." The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available." So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know." But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead? Good.