SI
SI
discoversearch

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor.  We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community.  If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.
Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: E who wrote (12825)12/13/1999 9:13:00 PM
From: James Lough  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 62549
 
Bumper Stickers

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Learn from your parent's mistakes...use birth control.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

IT IS as bad as you think and the ARE out to get you.

Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

Born free.....taxed to death.

The more people I meet......the more I like my dog.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy......other times I let him sleep.

Kevorkian for White House physician.

Work is for people who do not know how to fish.

Women who seek to equal to men, lack ambition.

No radio...already stolen.

Real Women don't have hot flashes they have power surges.

Where there's a will I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills alls its students.

Pride is what we have, Vanity is what others have.

How can I miss you if you won't go away.

Be nice to your kinds, they'll choose you nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.




To: E who wrote (12825)12/14/1999 1:04:00 PM
From: Karen Lawrence  Read Replies (2) | Respond to of 62549
 
That is great E. Hope this hasn't been posted. I flunked.
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL?

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not
you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You
just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
*
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing
simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
*
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and
close the door.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe,
put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests you
foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
*
*
*
*
*
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a
professional.

4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
*
*
*
*
*
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are
attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning
ability.

So... If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger
flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs.
It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not
require any higher mental functions at all, such as management or
politics.




To: E who wrote (12825)12/19/1999 3:05:00 PM
From: Edwarda  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 62549
 
Los Angeles High School Math Exam

> 1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
> shots and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings
> must he conduct before he shoots 50 people?
> 2. Paul has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells 10 grams to Jackson for
> $820, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value
> of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn?t cut it?
> 3. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a
> 4x4. If he has stolen two BMWs and three 4x4s, how many Chevys will
> he have to steal to make $800?
> 4. If the contents of an average can of spray paint covers 22 square
> feet and the average letter is eight square feet, how many letters can
> a teenager spray with eight cans of paint?
> 5. Hector got six girls in his gang pregnant. There are 27 girls in
> the gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
> 6. Kathy gets $125 for sneaking an illegal alien across the border
> from Mexico. She sneaked three illegals over the border every night
> for six days but then one of them ripped her off for $500. How much
> money does she have left?
> 7. Byron can trade $150 worth of food stamps for two tickets to a
> Lakers
> regular season game. If a play-off game costs 20 percent more, how
> many
> play-off tickets can he get for $500 in food stamps?
>
> Answers to City of Los Angeles High
> School Math Proficiency Exam
>
> 1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
> shots and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings
> must he conduct before he shoots 50 people?
> Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive by, which means that he will
> have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people. However, he
> will have completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the
> third when he has to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he?ll
> only have shot 16 people when the homeboys with the UZIs? make Swiss
> cheese out of him.
> 2. Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for
> $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value
> of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn?t cut it?
> At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An ?8 ball? is
> 8 grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If
> he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of
> 5*$320=$1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2
> gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85 apiece =
> (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into small parts, bake it
> up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger profit. This
> problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable Economics
> Test.
> 3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
> many tricks will each have to turn so Ron can pay for his $800 per day
> crack habit.
> 800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a
> deal with Pony from Question #2.
> 4. Susan wants to cut her « pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
> How many ounces of cut will she need?
> If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, she
> will need 20% more volume. 20% of « pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Susan
> will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more
> volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has
> approximately the same melting point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent
> are suggested. Laundry detergent has the added benefit of removing the
> possibility of customer complaints, but will sharply limit repeat
> business.
> 5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
> 4x4. If he has already stolen 2BMW?s and 3 4x4?s, how many Chevy?s
> will he have to steal to make $800?
> Blade has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so far. He
> needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more Chevy?s.
> However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy?s so he can take the
> extra two and make a really def low-rider.
> 6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000
> for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how
> much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years
> will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
> 6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will have
> $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Little
> Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6 years. However,
> if he takes her down to Mexico and buries her scrawny, track-marked
> butt in the desert, he can get off scott free.
> 7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the
> average letter is 4 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray
> with 3 cans of paint?
> 3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a
> little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who?s comin?
> after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a bitchin? skull.
> 8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
> gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
> 6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they?ve
> been sleeping with Pedro, Hector?s lieutenant. So, in actuality,
> Hector only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.
> 9. Rosie?s sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents
> on the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift
> each week to make $250.
> Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.
> 10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his
> young 14 year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making
> his girlfriend in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for
> for the carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked
> legal? Assume no prior convictions in arriving at your answer.
> Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making his
> girlfriend in the lot in someone else?s car next Saturday.