A Few More Jokes
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said,
"If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His
buddies unable to restrain him, accompanied him into the bar, where, ignoring their pleading, he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still smoking. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,
"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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Two gay guys, Dan and Jeff, are having sex. Suddenly, the phone rings and with an exasperated sigh, Dan gets up to answer it. Before he leaves the room, he looks at his lover and says
"No masturbating until I get back!"
After a few minutes, he returns to see cum all over the wall and Jeff lying on the bed, smiling sheepishly.
"I thought I told you not to masturbate!" growls Dan.
"I didn't masturbate," Jeff says, "I farted."
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Three cowboys came into a bar bragging about which of them was the baddest. The first one shouted,
"I'm the baddest. Watch this."
He turns his head to the barmaid,
"Hey, barmaid, bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here!"
The barmaid quickly brings over the pitcher of beer. The cowboy chugs down the entire pitcher, lays his hand on the table, pulls his guns, and shoots off one of his fingers.
Doesn't even flinch. The barmaid jumps.
The other two just shake their heads. The second cowboy smacks the barmaid on the ass and says,
"Honey, go get me a beer with a shot of tequila, and do it now!"
She scurries over to get the man's order. When she returns, the second cowboy guzzles the beer, slams down the tequila, and puts his hand straight out in front of him. He pulls his
pistol and shoots off *two* of his fingers. He, too, doesn't even flinch. The barmaid almost freaks out.
The third just laughs, smacks the barmaid on the butt, andsays, "Hon, just go get me a whole bottle of tequila and shuffle your pretty butt back here right quick."
Upon her return, he opens the bottle and chugs the entire thing down.Then, he unzips his pants and slams his dick on the table.
The barmaid screams,
"You aren't going to shoot that off are you?!"
"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself."
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Q. What do you say to a girl with no tits? A.
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A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
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Q. What do you get when you cross an octupus and a Mexican?
A. I don't know...but it sure can pick fruit! |
