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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Carragher who wrote (13750)	3/11/2000 10:35:00 AM
From: Shawn M. Downey	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

Snagged from the Onion: Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs: Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff. For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary. Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth. If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics. Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware. If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect. Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults. If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case. If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance. If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001. Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today. If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach. To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors. Avoid Snake Island at all costs.

To: John Carragher who wrote (13750)	3/12/2000 10:15:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62558

>Attorneys for Microsoft announced at a press conference that the >company has patented the letter "e," widely known as the symbol for >Microsoft's Internet Explorer web-browsing software. > >The specifications for the patent embrace all present and future >methods for forming the letter "e," in both lower and upper case, >script and type, as well as the operational function of the letter >as a portion of words, symbols, graphic communications, and digital >code. The letter is patented not in any specific form, but in its >definitional function as a portion of an alphabetic transcription, >which means that you can't avoid the patent by writing the letter >backwards, upside down, or in another script. > >Company spokesman Greeley McElwee announced that Microsoft plans to >charge royalties to all users of their patented letter, which is the >most commonly-used letter in the English language. Special rates >will be available for schools, and a graduated payment schedule is >being developed for adults who are first learning to read and write. >Software for tracking, charging, and collecting for e-usage has >already been integrated into all recent versions of Windows, >Microsoft Office, and Internet Explorer and will be activated >automatically on April 1, 2000. > >Several Microsoft competitors announced that they would immediately >begin replacing the letter "e" in all of their corporate >communications with some other symbol, in order to avoid paying >usage fees. Alternatives being considered are said to include Appl¢, >Appl›, and ApplX, as well as ›-commerce, xtrade, and QBay. > >Publishers of leading dictionaries have announced an emergency >conference at which they will be briefed on their options by legal >experts, as well as attorneys from Microsoft. > >Stay tund for furthr dvlopmnts.