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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (13820)	3/17/2000 7:47:00 AM
From: John Carragher	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62551

In case you needed further proof that the human race is >>> doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label >>> instructions on consumer goods. >>> >>> On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." >>> (gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair) >>> >>> On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase >>> necessary. Details inside." >>> (The shoplifter special) >>> >>> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." >>> (And that would be how...?) >>> >>> On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." >>> (But it's just a suggestion.) >>> >>> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box): >>> "Do not turn upside down." >>> (Too Late!) >>> >>> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after >>> heating." >>> (As night follows the day...) >>> >>> On packaging for a Rownta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." >>> (But wouldn't this save even more time?) >>> >>> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or >>> operate machinery after taking this medication." >>> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if >>> we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts) >>> >>> On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." >>> (One would hope.) >>> >>> On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." >>> (As opposed to what?) >>> >>> On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." >>> (I got to admit I'm curious.) >>> >>> On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains peanuts." >>> (Talk about a news flash.) >>> >>> On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, >>> eat nuts." >>> (Step 3: Fly Delta.) >>> >>> On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not >>> enable you to fly." >>> (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) >>> >>> On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your >>> hands" >>> >>> On a baby stroller: "Remove Baby before folding."

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (13820)	3/18/2000 8:51:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62551

Food for thought... >If your voting could really change things, >Congress would make it illegal. > >A fool and his money can throw one hell of a >party. > >When blondes have more fun, do they know it? > >Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids >in touch. > >What happens if you get scared half to death >twice? > >Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. > >The statement below is true. >The statement above is false. > >I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a >learners permit. > >He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless >dead. > >I like pitbulls too. Let's exchange recipes. > >Time is fun when you're having flies... Kermit > >Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is >bad for you. > >Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have >nothing to go on. > >If you think there is good in everybody, then you >obviously haven't met everybody. > >All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat >though. > >If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're >built upside down. > >Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes? > >Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun >either. > >A hangover is the wrath of grapes. > >Confession is good for the soul but bad for your >career. > >Gargling is a good way to see if your throat >leaks. > >Gun Control: Use both hands. > >Remember: First you pillage then you burn. > >To err is human. To forgive is against company >policy. > >Corduroy pillows are making headlines. > >If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. > >Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market >reproductive organs. > >Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. > >Half The People In The World Are Below Average. > >Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your >software. > >Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet. > >Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires. > >I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but >I can't prove it. > >Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, >Don't Laugh. > >A picture may be worth a thousand words but it >uses up a thousand times more memory! > >If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been >done already? > >If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they >made of meat? > >Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but >a lifetime commitment for a pig.