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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Edwarda who wrote (13835)	3/18/2000 12:56:00 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62554

Edwarda, Did you know that AOL cd's make wonderful coasters. Simply cover with colorful contact paper and voila. Make great gifts, too.

To: Edwarda who wrote (13835)	3/19/2000 8:16:00 AM
From: John Carragher	Respond to of 62554

How Old? Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel. "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be at least 82." ======== Careers That Slipped Away "I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned." "I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it." "I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it." "I used to work in a muffler factory until I got exhausted." "I used to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it." "I used to be a deli-worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard." "I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy." "I used to be a math teacher, but I had too many problems." ////////////// About 10 years ago I was working in a Wall Street investment bank when someone from the Information Technology group came to our office and asked us to enter new passwords into the software system. My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password "Penis". We all laughed when the computer replied: *** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT ***

To: Edwarda who wrote (13835)	3/20/2000 12:40:00 AM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Respond to of 62554

A Contemptuous Wife A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his tally-whacker in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...cut it off, are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'M GOING TO SET THE GARAGE ON FIRE!!

To: Edwarda who wrote (13835)	3/20/2000 12:57:00 AM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62554

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men. Baby sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho". Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them. Men would not be allowed to eat gas producing foods within two hours of bedtime. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit. Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks". Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas. Men would sit around and wonder what their women are thinking. Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator. During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes. After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year-old for six weeks. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

To: Edwarda who wrote (13835)	3/21/2000 7:48:00 AM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62554

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"