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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Carragher who wrote (13963)	3/30/2000 10:18:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62550

Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. . . Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

To: John Carragher who wrote (13963)	3/30/2000 10:21:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62550

WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids, and make their life happy and filled with such fun. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided, Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited. . . . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue; and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout. . . . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, and when that is done I'll hide under the bed. . . . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. When they cook dinner and call me to meals, I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able. . . . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click. I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, and play in the mud until the end of the day. . . . When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes; and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping." . . . when I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

To: John Carragher who wrote (13963)	3/30/2000 10:24:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62550

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. 2. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 3. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 4. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 7. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 8. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. 10. One should never have a kitchen without the tools to make proper use of it... e.g. - a cook, a dishwasher, a maid, a man to take out the trash...

To: John Carragher who wrote (13963)	3/30/2000 10:31:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62550

I've got to believe this was started by a woman. RE: WOMEN AND MEN WOMEN Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. Woman have special qualities about them. They volunteer for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They stick a love note in their Lovers lunch box. They do without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. She can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

To: John Carragher who wrote (13963)	4/6/2000 10:06:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE. 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 3) Insist that your e mail address be: xenagoddessofire@companyname.com 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write: 'For sexual favors.' 10) Reply to everything someone says with: "That's what you think." 11) Finish all your sentences with: "In accordance with the prophecy". 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 15) Ask people what sex they are. 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 17) Sing Along at the opera. 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 20) Send an email to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 23) Hum when you ride an elevator. AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: 24) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you first.