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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13993)	4/3/2000 10:09:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62551

Keep It Our Secret? Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13993)	4/3/2000 10:11:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62551

A doctor walks into the bank to cash a check. Preparing to endorse the check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's just great...some asshole's got my pen."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13993)	4/3/2000 12:39:00 PM
From: Mike 2.0	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62551

Airline revenge follow-on: The gate agent then says to poopy-mouth: "I'm sorry sir, but we'll have to CHECK YOUR BAGS...MWWAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" >:-) It never ceases to amaze me that people think they can be incredibly rude and vulgar to service people and think there is no (well-deserved) payback...one of my fave comic strips on this very subject was from Robotman...I wish there was an archive online, but here's the setup from memory: Monty (to waiter): Hey waiter! Tell your dumb chef to go back to cooking school! This fetuccine alfredo isn't creamy enough! Waiter: Goodness, I'm terribly sorry sir! We will correct this immediately! (takes plate back to kitchen) Monty: OK, but make it snappy! R-man: Monty, don't you worry about being rude to restaurant staff? I saw on TV how they get even with rude customers! Monty: Aw, you and your conspiracy theories! Waiter: Here you are sir...I am sure you will find this to be much creamier! Aagin, our sincerest apologies! Monty: OK, that's more like it! (Monty starts eating...there is a commotion in the kitchen...) Monty: What was that? R-man: Oh, nothing...just the waiters and chef in the kitchen, laughing uncontrollably and high-fiving each other...

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13993)	4/6/2000 9:51:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62551

THE 2000 FEDERAL CENSUS FOR THE SOUTH Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:______________________ Lover's Name:___________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles that still crank: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ >Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ How often do you bathe: (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____ Color of hair: (_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_) 1 mile (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road?