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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 4:13:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon. Ma and Pa, both in their seventies, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their front porch swing, rocking gently. Suddenly, Pa turned his head and said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma!" A minute or two went by. Then Ma turned her head toward Pa and calmly replied, "Screw you, Pa." Again, another minute passed and Pa said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma." Another minute went by and Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." Yet another minute elapsed and Pa responded to Ma, "Screw you, Ma." A minute later, Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." There was no reply - just complete silence for several minutes. Then, Pa turned to Ma and said, "I don't know about you, Ma, but I really don't get too much out of this oral sex!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 4:17:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Wife: I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I'm hot. Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times. Wife: If you loved me, I wouldn't have to beg you. Husband: If you loved me, you'd be more considerate. Wife: You don't love me anymore. Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Wife: (Sob-Sob) Husband: All right, I'll do it. Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Husband: I can't find it. Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! Husband: There! Are you satisfied? Wife: Oh, yes, honey. Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh, that's fine. Husband: Now go to sleep and from now on, when you want the window open, do it yourself.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 4:31:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 4:32:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A man and his wife are screwing. Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. After a few more moments, the wife comments, "Can't you think of anyone either?"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 4:33:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 4:34:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 4:36:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Harold asks his son, now aged ten, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh Dad," the boy sobbed. "When I was six years old, I got the 'There's No Santa' speech. When I was seven, I got the 'There's No Easter Bunny' speech." The boy continued, "Then at age eight, you hit me with the 'There's No Tooth Fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:06:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill? A: Wishful thinking. Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his or her ear? A: "Thanks for the refill."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:08:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Buffy, a blonde, needed some extra cash, so she begged her friend at the highway department for a job - any job at all. "Sure," he said. "I always have job openings to paint the lines down the center of the roads. Would you be interested in painting stripes?" Buffy agreed and began working immediately. The first day she painted five miles of stripes. The next day she painted three miles. But on the third day, she only painted one mile of stripes. The supervisor took Buffy aside and asked her what was wrong. "You worked so hard and painted so fast the first couple of days. Why are you working so slowly now?" Buffy replied, "Because the bucket keeps getting farther away."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:09:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team!

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:14:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A man from Saudi Arabia, named Abdul, was bragging on an airline flight. Abdul said that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. A gentleman form Florida was listening incredulously. "Why that is amazing," he remarked. "Where I come from there is only one way." "Just one?" Abdul asked. "And exactly which way is that?" "Well," the American gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman ...." Abdul interrupted and exclaimed, "Praise Allah! Number 80!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:15:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Two women were chatting when one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?" Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:16:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: Why is it called SEX? A: Because it's easier to spell than "Uhhhhh - Oooohh - Ahhhhhh - AIIEEEEEEE!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:18:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Q: What is the one negative side-effect of taking Viagra? A: Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:55:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply. "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache," answered his wife. The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:57:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 5:58:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: What is 69 and 69? A: Dinner for four. Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....) Q: But do you know what 6.9 is? A: A good thing screwed up by a period. Q: Why is life like a penis? A: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed. Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common? A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions. Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull? A: Your last blow job - Ever!

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:00:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:02:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms. Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?" Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?" Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake." "What's the difference? asked Kirk. Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:04:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?" Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing." "Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:10:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Kenneth Starr is reportedly investigating a recent rumor that the Republican Party had used Bob Dole's supply of Viagra from clinical trials to spike fast food deliveries to the White House. The White House has confirmed a report that the entire male staff had participated in a "blind" clinical study in which all but one individual had received a placebo. There was no comment as to the identity of that individual. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill Clinton was recently overheard saying: "I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so that my head would swell.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:13:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility problem. The doctor says, "Just give your husband these Viagra pills in his next meal and stand back." The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, "Just put two of these in my husband's dinner tonight." As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, "Sure, like I got nothing better to do," and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her since there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and cries, "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up in the kettle.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:16:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: Did you hear about the new Viagra candy bar? A: Oh, Oh, Oh my God, Henry! Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra and Prozac? A: A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where. Q: What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second? A: The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra. Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogaine? A: Don King. Q: What happens if you get the Viagra pill stuck in your throat? A: You get a stiff neck. Q: What is Viagra Falls? A: A newly discovered waterfall that flows upward. Q: How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? A: One little tablet and it's a whole new bulb.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:19:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?" The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor." "Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked. "No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?" The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too." "Why?" asked her husband. His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:20:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face - some even look a little frightened - and Clinton isn't in the room. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Well, we had some bad news, and got some even worse news," replied one man. "What's the bad news?" asked the advisor. "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area, and China is warning them both that this could lead to a regional war - that may go nuclear." "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" exclaimed the advisor. "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra," answered the man.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:23:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62549

Q: What do Viagra and Disney World have in common? A: A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride. Q: Did you hear what happens to men who take iron supplements and then use Viagra? A: When they get an erection, they point north. Q: Do you know what happens when you take Viagra and Propecia together? A: It makes your hair stick up. Q: What is the difference between Niagara and Viagra? A: Niagara Falls. Q: Did you hear about the 13-year-old boy that got hold of his father's Viagra? A: They rushed him to the hospital with third-degree-burns on his hands. Q: Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? A: One cup and you're up all night.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14179)	5/14/2000 6:29:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead! ~~~~~~~~~ Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra: 1% Sodium 1% Iron 1% Phosphate 97% Fix-a-Flat ~~~~~~~~ Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. ~~~~~~~~~ Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region. ~~~~~~~~~ If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a fessional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!