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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:16:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

But I might like to keep an eye on my own damned portfolio, you know! <GGG>

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:30:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

A really shy guy spotted a real knock out of a girl in a bar a few stools away. He moved over and sat next to her, but was too embarrassed to speak. So, he ordered his next drink and one for her, and paid for them both. She nodded her thanks, but neither spoke. This went on for three rounds. Finally, emboldened by the liquor, he said, "Pardon me. But do you ever go to bed with strange men ?" "I never have before," she said smiling, "but I believe you've talked me into it, you clever silver-tongued devil, you."

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:31:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

A middle-aged woman is in a terrible accident and is rushed to the hospital. On the way there, her vital signs fail. The doctors are able to revive her, but, while she is gone, she sees God and he tells her she has 40 more years to live. Since she is in the hospital, anyway, and knows she's going to be around for a while, she decides to use the stay for self-improvement. She has a face-lift, a fanny-lift, and breast implants. She gets released from the hospital and, as she crosses the street, is run over by a truck and killed. When she sees God again, she says to him, "I thought you said I had 40 years left to live!" To which God replies, "I'm sorry ... I didn't recognize you."

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:33:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

You are from a small town if: (1). You can name everyone you graduated with. (2). You know what 4-H is. 3). You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road. 4). You used to drag "main." 5). You said a bad word and your parents knew within the hour. 6). You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't---same goes with the game warden. 7). You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. 8). School gets canceled for state sporting events. 9). You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow). 10). When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them. 11). It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town. 12). You had senior skip day. 13). The whole school went to the same party after graduation. 14). You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field). 15). You are under the impression that all golf courses have only 9 holes. 16). You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend. 17). You think kids that ride skateboards are weird. 18). The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town. 19). Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise. 20). You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people". 21). You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday. 22). Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store. 23). Your friends ever communicated with CB radios and were considered "cool". 24). You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town. 25). Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger. 26). Directions are given using "THE" stop light as a reference. 27). The city council meets at the coffee shop. 28). Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday. 29). You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis. 30). Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart. 31). Even the ugly peop! ! le enter beauty contests. 32). You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride. 33). Your teachers call you by your older siblings names. 34). Your teachers remember when they taught your parents. 35). You can charge at all the local stores. 36). The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. 37). So is the closest mall. 38). It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower. 39). You can drive golf carts, 4 wheelers, and go carts in town. 40). When someone gets pulled over the whole town drives by at least twice. 41). Everyone else hears it on their scanners. 42). Almost everyone in your school also has a cousin in your school. 43). Your only newspaper was a weekly. 44). You ever thought it was cool to go to the cemetery at night and walk around. There was always something there that was haunted. 45). Loitering isn't a bad thing, it's the only thing. 46). Seeing people roping saw horses in town is not unusual. 47). It doesn't take much to amuse you.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:36:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs." 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex. 2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay. 3. Can't hail a cab. - impotent. 4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - prefers virgins. 5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. - Is a virgin. 6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. - Compulsive Don Juan. 7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. - Compulsive Don Quixote. 8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho. 9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - will swallow. 10. Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow. 11. Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies. 12. Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm. 13. Orders salad dressing on the side. - Will give you a hand job but will not go "all the way." 14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed. 15. Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when when she's not, will get pregnant and sue. 16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't. 17. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only. 18. Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs. 19. Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator. 20. Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come. 21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you sleep on wet spot. 22. Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. - Nyphomaniac. 24. Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female). 25. Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male). 26. Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money. 27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex. 28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. - Wants a handjob. 29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch. 30. Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters. 31. Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count. 32. Undertips waiter. - Small penis. 33. Undertips parking valet. - Small penis. 34. Undertips cabbie. - Small penis. 35. Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything. 36. Removable cassette player in car. - Pull outs repeatedly during sex. 37. Cellular phone in car. - Penile implant.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:38:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

. Q. What's the difference between a blonde farmer and a brunette farmer? A. The brunette can keep her calves together.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:41:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to visit her grandmother in the forest, and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off." But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said "Don't worry, Mom, I've got it covered." As she was walking through the forest, she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, "You shouldn't be out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off." So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!" As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off." At that, Little Red Riding Hood lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at the big bad wolf, and said, "Oh no you're not, buddy. You're going to eat me - just like the book says."

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:42:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? A. They know how many went down on the Titanic. Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? A. The joystick is wet. Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. To keep their ankles warm. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:43:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women." she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," replied Eve.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (14414)	5/10/2000 2:45:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62550

After making woman, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?" So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'caress'?" So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's 'making love'?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time, a minute later he reappeared. And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'headache'?"