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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/12/2000 8:14:00 PM
From: Phil(bullrider)	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62569

CH, Before you say it, please let me know so I can take out a big life insurance policy on you. Easy money! You got that right. I was in a friends boat one day, easing into the dock to take out, when a "Basshole" came zooming by in a 20K bass rig and beat us to the dock. I stood up and said, "Hey, when you buy a bass boat, does it make you an asshole, or do you have to be one to buy a bassboat?" When we finally got our boat out of the water, I noticed that we were in the middle of a bass tournament, and all of the bassholes were staring at us. We didn't have to fight our way out, but we made a hasty retreat. Have fun, Phil

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/13/2000 3:34:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62569

Q: What's the difference between Extra Virgin Olive Oil & Virgin Olive Oil? A: One has to beg for it more.

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/13/2000 3:35:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62569

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there. Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull." Neighbor: "That's not I want." Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him." Neighbor: "That's not I want." Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him." Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your fathe about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant." Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/13/2000 3:40:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62569

One frigid morning in North Dakota, a man turned up at work much the worse for wear. "I didn't sleep a wink," he told a co-worker. "I was up all night trying to keep my wife's begonia covered against the freezing cold." "I should be so lucky," his co-worker replied. "When it's this cold, my wife wears so damn many clothes to bed, I can never get anywhere near her begonia."

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/13/2000 3:50:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62569

"Easy Money" Billy Joel You don't have to talk all night I'm a man who can't say no You don't have to twist my arm Just point me where you want to go Take me to the action Take me to the track Take me to a party if they're bettin' in the back I've been working all my life Can't afford to wait Let me call my wife so I can tell her I'll be late I want the easy Easy money Easy money I could get lucky Oh, things could go right I want the easy Easy money Easy money Maybe this one time Maybe tonight You don't have to try too hard I don't need a song and dance I don't need an invitation If you've got a game of chance Take me to the tables Take me to the fights Run me like the numbers Roll me like the dice When you're counting on a killing Always count me in Talk me into losin' just as long as I can win I want the easy Easy money Easy money I want the good times Oh, I never had I want the easy Easy money I want the good life I want it bad Easy money You say I fool myself But better me than being a fool for someone else I got a hot slot machine of a system Ready to go Easy money I got a one-track mind And a good reputation laying on the line I'll either come back a bum or a king Baby I don't know You don't have to start a fight I'm a man who can't say no If you've got a little risky business Just point me where you want to go Take me to the power Take me to the heat Take me to the cleaners If it's open to the street Something's got to pay off Something's got to break Someone's got a fortune that they're begging Me to take I want the easy Easy money Easy money I could get lucky Things could go right I want the easy Easy money Easy money Maybe just this time Oh maybe tonight Easy money Oh I don't want no hard cash I just want the easy money I could get lucky

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/13/2000 6:52:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62569

Mrs. Levy's son, David, had gone from New York, clear across the country to college in California. One day, David phoned his mother. 'Ma, I just got married!' announced David. 'Wonderful, David! Mazel tov!' said Mrs. Levy. 'But what was so urgent about it that you had to get married in such a hurry and call me on the phone to break the news?' 'Well, Ma,' said David, 'there's a little problem. She's not Jewish.' 'Oy vey!' shouted Mrs. Levy, but then she calmed down. 'Well, I love you very much, David. You're my only son and I guess I'll have to accept her and make the best of it.' 'But there's another little difficulty, Ma,' continued David. 'She is a little older than I am, and also she's pregnant.' 'Oy, David!' screamed his mother. 'How could you do such a thing?' But again she regained her control. 'But you are my only son and I love you, I forgive you.' 'Thanks, Ma, but there's still another little matter. She already has five children!' 'David! David!' Mrs. Levy was distraught. 'You're breaking my heart! But you're my own flesh and blood. What can I do for you?' 'Ma, we have nowhere to stay.' 'Come to New York, David,' said Mrs. Levy. 'You can have this apartment.' 'But, Ma, where will you stay?' 'Don't worry about me, David. As soon as I put down the phone, I'll drop dead!'

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/14/2000 5:40:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62569

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro. When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip." When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club.' When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards. The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"

To: The Philosopher who wrote (14511)	5/14/2000 5:41:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62569

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help," she said. The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club, and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?" The husband replied, "Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help." "The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?" asked the wife. "Hey! I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."