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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: PMS Witch who wrote (14800)	6/1/2000 10:04:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62558

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

To: PMS Witch who wrote (14800)	6/1/2000 10:06:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62558

Tell Me In Plain English. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, quite simply," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay. I see." said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

To: PMS Witch who wrote (14800)	6/1/2000 10:08:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62558

Questions and Answers... -------------- A 5-year-old little girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to." -------------- Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. -------------- If the president of the USA has to be a natural-born citizen, could a test-tube baby ever be president? -------------- Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. -------------- What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

To: PMS Witch who wrote (14800)	6/1/2000 10:11:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62558

Subject: old wise sayings Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Don't squat with your spurs on. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

To: PMS Witch who wrote (14800)	6/1/2000 10:15:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62558

Subject: Webster did this??????? "Why?" If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack? Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites? Why do tug boats push their barges? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds? If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Why is bra singular and panties plural? Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

To: PMS Witch who wrote (14800)	6/1/2000 10:16:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62558

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions: One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?" "Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's' and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."