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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (15078)	6/20/2000 10:23:00 PM
From: Jim O'Connell	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62569

Great Jokes, you keep the thread rocking !!. Believe it or Not!!! If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) How'd they figure this out, and why?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) Don't try this at home...maybe at work?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay or this research??) Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?) A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) After reading all these, all I can say is.............Lucky Pigs...

To: John Messbauer who wrote (15078)	6/20/2000 10:28:00 PM
From: Jim O'Connell	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62569

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, . . . . . . "I've got the airbag!"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (15078)	6/21/2000 12:51:00 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62569

Lawyer in a Jar... Trial transcript from "Texas Bar Journal". Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient? Doctor: That's correct. Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room? Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy. Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital? Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving. Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time? Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially. Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room? Doctor: That is what the records indicate. Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time? Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death. Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right? Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.